So, I'm not going to lie. I've been eating instead of blogging. What do you want for free? I got all jacked up yesterday preparing for Thanksgiving and decided that today was the last possible Sunday of the semester where getting some extra sleep was possible, so I did some catching up.
By the way, I love it that I can go to the Schnucks on a Saturday at 6pm and run into both alumni and the Chairman of the Board of Trustees. From now on, I'm calling all Faculty Meetings right next to the sweet potatoes. Seems like everyone's already there.
Michael smoked me last week by one game, but I'm back for mine. Here you have it. Straight from the horse's ass. I mean mouth, though I've been called the former on more than one occasion. And, yes, I know that the games are already 2/3 through the first quarter, but I do these picks on Thursday and procrastinate until Sunday with them. Allez!
You know I was wrong about Carolina. Drat.
Indy's going to beat Baltimore, but it'll be a game unlike the one we expect. The Ravens are playing to not start recalibrating for next year and the Manning3000 will probably get about that many completions. He's boring, but victorious by 10.
Challenge: name a game that I could care less about. I bet you can't. I'd rather watch the Brown out in Detroit than this battle of NFC East idiots. Maybe after the CowPies beat the Redskins Obama will make Dan Snyder the ambassador to Idiotistan and solve more than one problem. The team that plays in Texas by 14.
Cleveland at Detroit is going to be epic. Epic. The Keystone Kops against the Three Stooges. Dan Quayle vs. Sarah Palin. The proverbial toilet bowl. I was going to say Detroit, but I'm going with the Browns, if only to support Notre Dame before Quinn washes out of the league. Browns, by 10, even though I know they're already winning by 14.
The 49ers will put up a good fight, but the post-Favre Pack needs to not look like everyone's missed pick of the preseason. It'll happen by about 10 and Aaron Rodgers will regain a few fans.
The Bills can't beat the Jags. I mean, who are we kidding? Dear Mr. Wilson. Memphis needs a pro team. They could play the Titans somewhere on I-40 in the Tennessee Bowl. The Jags have MJD, which spells WIN by 17.
Pittsburgh, the most depressingly unamazing team of the year, will beat the Chiefs, but I don't know if they'll look particularly championish doing so. But they'll win by 14.
The Seahawks have no chance. None. Everything about the Vikings is frightening. I just hope that the Vikings and the Saints play each other in the playoffs, so the Eagles can Wild Card this one to Miami. Favretastic to the power of 14.
The Falcons will get close to beating the Giants, but it won't happen. Eli's got to get it together if he wants to stay in the hunt. And the Falcons are beat up in the wrong way. NY's dubious secondary won't wreck it for them. Hey, someone tell Brandon Jacobs that the Chiefs need a back. He's not doing much for the Giants these days. Too bad, he's a beauty to watch when he plays well. Maybe today. Maybe he'll score the winner, but they'll probably win by 6.
Arizona at St. Louis could've been amazing. The old Cardinals coming home, Warner back to light up the turf. Damn. Too bad the Rams are shameful and the came won't be worth watching. The old Cards will come back and remind St. Louis what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to not close the borders when the team packed up. Serves you right. St. Louis bleeds Cardinal red, and the Rams will too, by 20.
Bolts vs. Broncos should be pretty great, and pretty important. Rivers and everyone he passes or hands the ball to seem to really know what they're doing. The Broncos are looking a bit tamed, so I'm betting on the Bolts, even though I'm playing the Broncos defense in fantasy. LT and Sproles, one scores the winner, the other twists the dagger, and they win by 14.
Jets vs. Pats. Look, it's the battle of the --ts. The Jets are yesterday's news. Congratulations for Rex Ryan for finding his tear ducts. And salutations for the hilarious self-deprecation over the event. Bless his heart, but his team is D-E-A-D. By A T-O-N. Brady might give them the ol' Tennessee treatment. But I'll be conservative and say by 21.
I sure hope that Cincy beats the bejesus out of the Raiders. I'm out of sympathy for JaMarcus, which won't matter, because he's not named Gradkowski, who won't matter, because he's not named Palmer. Or Esteban. Someone call Marvin Lewis and tell him to release Larry Johnson. I mean, I appreciate a good talking out of turn, but if you make homophobic remarks, bye bye. Stripes over Swords by 20.
Birds blast Bears. I hope Cutler throws six this week. Stupid stupid stupid. After the last few weeks, I want the Eagles to look like a team that can play in January. Will I get it? Dunno. Let's hope. Eagles win it by 14 in a boring, but great NFC battle. Necessito snow.
Monday Night's Titans vs. Texans game will be the best game of the week. All the rest of the country won't know why, but I've been watching this rivalry for a few years, and I can tell you that the AFC South is a division in which any team can beat any other team any day of the season. Proof positive will come on Monday when the Titans eke one out. Now that he's winning consistently, Fisher will take the reigns off of Vince's two feet and things will be zingy, by 7, in dramatic fashion.