Saturday, November 28, 2009

It's 65 Degrees in Memphis

Can I get a WTHITWA from the congregation? 65 degrees the Saturday after Thanksgiving is bonkers. Totally bonkers. I guess it's true that Memphis doesn't care about football, because this is not football weather. I wonder if Tommy West had something to do with this. Hmm.

Anyway, everybody do me two favors. First, remember that that Blind Side Sandra Bullock feel good about yourself after you've eaten 45 helpings of turkey and just knocked down your neighbor for whatever the Tickle-Me-Elmo of the year is on Black Friday movie is out. I tell you this not because Sandra Bullock is an actress that I hope to see in another movie, but because it's a local Memphis football story, perhaps the first good one in a while. And because Michael Oher plays for the Ravens, which I will address below. And, second, read the book. Books are always better. And they make you smart. Books = good. Let's remember this before we stupid ourselves to extinction.

Hope you're all good and fattened up. We'll need those reserves for Monday, when the weather drops back into the 50s. Yowzas. By the way, I am thankful for the movie Bad Santa, which hit all the right spots and will be my Christmas present to the extended family this year.

Sing it with me, y'all...

Deck the bells with yuletide grumping.
When did Jesus lose to corporate greed?
Don't forget to give some presents.
To some other peeps who are in need.

Don we now our gay apparel.
Unless you are in Maine, where they've lost the plot.
And don't forget there's also Kwanzaa.
And 8 days of fun called Hannukah.

Before you accuse me of Grinching it up, be aware that last night began the beguine of my annual tradition of Christmas music before bedtime. Traditional French Carols last night. Tonight will either be Kenny Rogers (good), Engelbert Humperdink (better), or A Chipmunk Christmas (best).

But, back to more important matters...

I was right about Green Bay (glad to see Stafford's ok after last week), right about Dallas (hang on, I need to go dry heave again), and wrong about the NY Football Giants (which makes me so happy because now the NFC East isn't so dangerous for the Eagles any more).

La la la la.

ATL is going to beat the Bucs, though I wonder by how much. The Bucs are looking like a team with a future, though that future may be next decade. Either way, they won't win, but they'll impress. A Pyrrhic victory, indeed, and they'll lose by 10.

Miami, even without Ronnie Brown, will beat the Bills, who are shambolic to the Nth degree. I wonder if we'll ever get to the Oth degree. Fins by 14, but I want the TOth touchdown of the season.

The Bengals are going to murder the Browns in what will hopefully be the final game before Mangini is released as head coach. I don't know why I have it out for Eric Mangini, but I associate it with his being called a Mangenius. I mean, c'mon. Genius? Who are we kidding? Lombardi was a genius. Halas was a genius. Billy B is a genius. Mangini is a fraud who is in the process of taking down a whole organization. I take offense. Cats by 21.

Sorry, Houston, this isn't your year either. But I'm impressed with how well you're doing. Honestly, I mean that. I love the AFC South. But Indy has things on cruise control. By the way, where the hell is Marvin Harrison? Hasn't anyone signed him yet? I can think of a half-dozen teams who would be instantly better, age be damned. Colts by 17.

NFC North, how dull you've become. Anyone remember when I thought the Packers were going to win the division? Umm, that was me being wrong. The Vikings are so good that they're electing to let Tavaris Jackson play? I think we have our first Christmas miracle. Purple People Eat their way to a 14 point victory. Maybe Jay Cutler could get traded to the Browns. It'd be the best twofer of the year.

Panthers vs. Jets. I just cannot buy into the Jets anymore. I did at first, held out for a while, and now it's just gross. I feel bad for the Sanchize because I think it's in him, and I think that team is pretty damn good when things go right. But, you know, rookie QB + rookie coach = growing pains. We're watching the Jets' voice crack these days. Maybe they'll have it together by next year's prom. Losers by 7 in what could be the ugliest game this side of Renee Zellwiger's acting. One word: DeAngelo baby! Charlotteers win by 10, unless DelHomme keeps passing to the other team.

Redskins vs. Eagles. Listen. If the Eagles don't win this, they will not get to the playoffs. That is the deal. That is the reality. They damn well better win because they've already lost to the Raiders and I'm getting ready to start burning things in effigy. And will someone tell Brian Westbrook to retire before he kills himself. I love you Brian Westbrook, but not enough to watch you kill yourself on the field. Mr. Lurie, pay him to mentor Shady. Pay him a lot because we won't get anywhere near a Lombardi if McCoy doesn't live up to his potential. Westbrook will do more for the team as a mentor than a hospital patient. Let's say that McNabb lights up another 400 yarder and wins by 17.

Seattle against St. Louis. God almighty, what a drag. I wonder which QB the Rams will draft next year. I wonder if it'll matter. The best thing that's happened to the Seahawks is that Holmgren will probably coach in the AFC next year, which means that he won't be able to beat the bejesus out of them that frequently. Either way, the Seahawks will win by a bunch, 14 or more, because the Rams are horrific.

AZ at TN? Dude, I'm telling you, Vince is close to being in the running for a fully qualified NFL QB. I mean, for God's sake, if Marc Bulger, Jake DelHomme, the Sanchize, whoever is throwing in Buffalo and Cleveland these days, Jay Cutler, and JaMarcus Russell are still collecting a paycheck, Vince ought to get a flight to Hawaii just for playing better this year than last. This'll be a really close one, because the Titans' secondary is still sort of dicey, but they'll win by 3. I hope.

KC vs. SD. Really, this is so silly. Philip Rivers is looking like he should, that offense is freaky, and the Chiefs, even with an ex-Charger, still stink up the whole stadium worse than a ruptured sewer. The Chargers are going to kill them, by about 28 and 300 passing yards.

Jag-u-ars are going to beat the 9ers. Too bad, as well, because some idiot in the pundisphere will start talking about Mike Singletary's coaching. Misguided that is. His fault it is not. I just think the Jags are getting sort of hot these days and San Francisco is getting closer to a simmer. Jacksonville wins by 10 in what will be a really good game.

Ooooooooh, girl, did you see what happened to Ben Rothlisberger last week? And then did you see what they did to Charlie Batch? Maybe they can get Kordell Stewart back from his UFL correspondent job to throw a few. I am so sad to watch the demise of the Steelers, but I think the Ravens will get them this week. Speaking of, how can you not love the Ravens? I mean, really, what is wrong with you Raven haters? Flacco's from Delaware. Ray Rice is poetry in motion and played his ball at Rutgers. That's New Jersey, for all you SEC fans. That defense is still fun, even if they're playing a bit old and inconsistent. And Michael Oher is the feel good story of the year, the cinema, and this week's Sports Illustrated. Ol' Sandra B ought to write a big fat check to the Ravens for saving her career. They'll also go above .500 this week, but by a margin of about 6 points.

I wonder if this Monday Night Game is going to go over 100 total points. Brady vs. Brees? Back to the Big 10 kids, let's Midwest it up. I sent a kite to my Michigan guru to find out if these two ever went head-to-head and who won it. But this night belongs to Brees. I think. It's about time for that streak to come to a crashing halt, but I just can't bet against the Saints at home this late when they're playing like this.

Oh, by the way, I was 13-3 last week. You know what that is? Home field advantage? You know what else that is? The Titans' record before the Ravens knocked them out of the playoffs. Someone once said that the stats were indisputable. True, but so is the Win-Loss count. And they measure success by Win-Loss counts.

Adios friends. Hope you're all able to walk again. I had to take two naps to burn off Thanksgiving. Vaya con Flacco.

The Brattle Browl

Brady vs. Brees? That's Brrrrr-eat! And, by the way, who decided that football and cosplay mixed? Seamus is going to be mad about this one. Hmm.

Anyway, Michael did the math, and it looks like I'm up by 1, which means that this is actually the best game of the season so far. Anyway, because the tryptophan has worn off, here we go.

Yes, I know three of this week's games have already happened, but, you know, it's been a fairly busy holiday weekend, and I've got 90 minutes before I have to go to the airport, so here we go with picks from our Cajun Correspondent.

GB vs Det- what a game cleveland and detroit played last week. Wow. Wish i could have seen more than the heroic highlights. This contest though... especially without Stafford, its a no brainer. GB. Still dont think their a legit team, but They'll get this win. Only way Lions win is if they can take full advantage of GB losing Harris and Kampman. Thats gonna hurt them the the remaining 6 games without a doubt. Cheeseheads get it by 10

Oak vs Dal- Another game I could really care less about. I may actually not give a damn normally, but since the Saints play the boys in 3 weeks... i'm gonna be paying attention and sticking some needles in my Romo voodoo doll. I can mail you one if you'd like btw. Dallas wins by 14 in their up week.

NYG vs Den- I totally thought the Giants had packed their bags for the offseason, but since the proved me wrong and beat the dirty birds last week... i'll buy them for this week. They still can't play defense but its really hard to say much positive about Denver lately. Supposedly they had a "players meeting" and i guess they get everything magically fixed with that... i'm not buying it. Giants roll one up on the Broncos by 10.

TB vs ATL- I feel really bad for Tampa... sorta. I mean their coach fires the O coordinator before the season starts because of a lackluster offense in preseason. Now that the D has been stinking it up all season and they get lit up by the Saints, he gives the Axe to the D coordinator. Yeah, Raheem. It’s BOTH the O coordinator and the D coordinator that are your problem....not you at all. Whatevs. Atlanta, not much good to say about them either. Both division rivals...I hate Atlanta more but they will get the win...if they lose today and the Saints win Monday, Saints lock up the division. Atlanta by 12

Mia vs Buf- I was surprised there was still a pulse in that corpse called Buffalo last week. Whoda thunk it. They might put up a fight against Miami, but I don't think it’s going to be enough to win. Miami takes it by a touchdown.

Forgot the car vs NYJ- Car by 7. Snooozer

Was vs Phi- yea so i watched the philly game last week and they really didn’t impress me even with the win. I'd be nervous if I was Philly... for the rest of the season. They rely too much on big plays from Jackson. They look sloppy with mistakes as well. However... as long as the other team has more mistakes, then they will win. Philly by 7. [editor’s note: Personal Foul on the Saints for speaking ill of the Eagles]

******upset of the week*********

Sea vs Stl- It’s a stretch to pick any team winning over Seattle as an upset, but it is Kyle Boller playing against them... and any time you have him playing, the deck is stacked against you. So, this is funny, yes, strap on the lollerskates, St Louis will get another win here against the lowly Ocean birds by 7.

Cle vs Cin- So, are the Bengals back to their jinxed ways again? Last week looked bad. Cleveland looked GOOD... on offense, AND STILL LOST hahahah. I really don’t expect Cleveland to look that good against a team of some quality. Cincy, eat your Wheaties today and get your gimme game of the week. Cincy by 14.

Ind vs Hou- Last time the two played I had pegged Houston to be the upset victor. However, Houston pulled a Houston and choked on a come from behind tie with a wide left kick from their kicker, Brown. Last week, Houston has the chance to keep up in the race for a wild card spot and choke wide left again. Houston, you had your chance. Start planning for next year. Indy gets this by 10, even with Peyton's sore bum bum.

KC vs SD- Another surprise win last week. Kansas. Wow. Was there something to it? Maybe. It won’t show this week though. San Diego is clicking and they found their mojo in their run game too. San Diego Chargers zap the Chiefs by 13.

Jac vs SF- This one is a toss up. I could care less about either team. I've been picking the pantless coaches for most of the season, and they've really been letting me down most of the time. Maybe, they are not who I thought they were. Still, they are at home. Still Jones-Drew is turning out TD's like a pro bowler. So... in this case, I will lose all football knowledge and defer this decision to someone who knows nothing about it... I asked my wife and she thinks San Francisco will win because Jacksonville has uglier uniforms. SF by 3.

Chi vs Min- I'd love for Chicago to win this one and hand Min a second loss, but I broke my magic wand when as sat my arse down on it last night watching reruns of family guy. Unless anyone else has a miracle maker they can yank out of their keister before kick off... Minnesota pillages the Bears by 14.

Ari vs Ten- Another tough game to predict. It’s at home, but Arizona has been playing lights out in away games. Should I defer this decision too? She thinks Kurt Warner looks too cute to lose. I don't know what that's all about, but who am I to argue? I'm going with Kurt's cuteness... Cardinals flog the Titans by 10. [editor’s note: op. cit. Eagles, replace with Titans]

Pit vs Bal- this had the potential to be a good game... until chunky soup got his clock cleaned last week... and then batch goes gimpy. Now its up to Dixon... WHO? yea. I didn’t think so either. Steelers get quothed by the Raves... by 10... nevermore

NE vs NO- game of the week. Looking at the stats... both teams are damn near even, except that the saints are better by a touchdown. The saints really want this one... I know NE wants it too... because they see the chance the Saints have at going undefeated the rest of the year. I had picked the Saints to go 15-1 on the season. This was the lone game i predicted the Saints to lose. HOWEVER... I think with the homefield advantage and it being a playoff like atmosphere already. Its hard to pick against the Saints. They have to control Wes Welker. I think he is the key to their offense. One stat I saw shows that the 3 losses the Patriots have came against undefeated teams (at the time). I also like Sean Payton’s play calling in big games, we usually destroy opponents when the bright lights are on. Pats take that 4th loss on Monday night against another undefeated. Saints give the Pats some penance to do... 3 hail marys, one our father and a loss by 7.