Editor's Note: Don't blog before you've had coffee. I had a whole thing going and then, because I wasn't really awake, pressed the wrong button. Whole thing deleted. D'oh.
Anyway, my point is this. The week begins in 32 minutes, so I'm getting this one in at the wire.
Here are my predictions for NFL Week Four. I'm tired of Peter King and all the stat freaks having all the fun. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Peter King and the stat freaks, but I want in.
Federales: I am not encouraging gambling. I am encouraging clairvoyance. In fact, I don't gamble. I'm too cheap. And I'm just trying to democratize the process.
Football + Me = American democracy.
Oh, and by the way, the managment assumes no responsibility for blown predictions, untoward logic, misapprehension of the statistics, financial loss, family strife, personal shame, or other acts of God, natural disasters, or unforseen idiocy. Readers are obliged to consider all known knowns, unknown knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns. You're all adults. It's your money. I'm not responsible.
So, here goes.
Detroit @ Chicago: Chicago by at least 14. I'm tired of Jay Cutler, but he can be on when he's on. And Chicago has too many potential weapons for this to not be their day. I'd love to see an upset, though, because Jay Cutler's a baby and Stafford and the Lions are so in need.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland: Cincy by a touchdown. This could be the fiasco of the day, but the Bengals seem able to cobble it together at a better rate of success than the Browns. Again, it's a question of potential weapons.
Oakland @ Houston: Texans by a dozen. Two words. JaMarcus Russell. Two more. Jeff Garcia. The Raiders are in a deep, deep QB hole. Even their backup doesn't want to have anything to do with them. And can someone remind me about Week 2 against the Titans? Damn Andre Johnson.
Seattle @ Indy: Peyton Manning by 10. No Hasselbeck? Seattle's cooked. At Indy? Overcooked. Pierre Garcon + Reggie Wayne + Donald Brown? Burnt to a crisp. This might be the embarrassment of the week. Can I get an amen that Peyton may be the most beautiful QB to watch, but also the most boring? He's like the Nicolas Poussin of QBs: graceful, balanced, cerebral, but almost totally devoid of a pulse.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville: Titans by 3. 0-4? I'll have to sit shiva if they don't win this one. I just don't see Jacksonville beating the Titans. MJD be damned, he's not the whole team. Titans, you're on notice. Keep this up and I'm gonna start looking for a new set of receivers to care about. And a new secondary. And new special teams. And, LenDale, you may not be fat anymore, but you're not good either. Get it together, guys, my Fall Semester's riding on you.
Giants @ KC: I hate to say it, but Giants by 17. They're arguably the best team in the league right now (arguably), and Eli actually looks like a guy who has won a Super Bowl. Ron Jaworski forgive me, but I think the Giants are the team to back this week.
Baltimore @ New England: Spoiler alert! Flacco by 7. I just think that the Ravens are going to win this one. NE's been too inconsistent, and I just don't think this defense is going to be ready enough. I might be wrong as striped pants and a plaid shirt, but I think the Ravens are good enough, if not the best team in the league right now. Yo Joe!
Tampa Bay @ Washington: Bucs by 7. I know they stink, but I just have a feeling that the Skins are in downward spiral mode. They're a half-decent team, but they're hiking uphill in hard bottoms on mossy stones. How's that for a belabored image?
Buffalo @ Miami: Bills by 5. Can't figure out why. I think TO's gonna be on a mission, those backs will be competing against each other towards a beautiful pas-de-deux, even the defense seems like they might be a help. Somehow I think the Fins are on borrowed time this week.
Jets @ Saints: Saints by 10. I want to bet on the Sanchize, I really do. And I love that defense, even after what they did to the Titans. But Drew Brees has been impressing me since he came to South Bend as a Boilermaker. And did you all see that video where he's throwing at a target? He's freakish. And they're at home. J-E-T-S? N-O-P-E. Sorry guys, I want you to win, but the Saints are rolling downhill on a snot-greased track.
Dallas @ Denver: Did I mention that I hate the Cowboys? Broncos by 3. This'll be decided by unforced errors. But I think that the Broncos can make this happen, especially if Moreno and Marshall get hot.
Rams @ 49ers: Niners by 14. The Rams suck. I'm sorry Missouri people, but they do. And the Niners are looking good. And I'm not stupid enough to argue with Singletary. He might take his pants off.
Chargers @ Steelers: Steelers by 2, maybe. The Chargers are dangerous as a mother. But the Steelers are underperforming. Home field advantage? Weather will be a factor. Dick LeBeau wins it for the Steelers.
Packers @ Vikings: Best game ever? Doubtful. But the Favre-a-thon rolls onward to victory. It's a home game, Peterson's frightening, Harvin's frightening, that D's frightening. The Packers are frightening, though, too, so I'm saying Brett Favre's ego and pride connect on a late touchdown. Vikings by 7.