Monday, April 11, 2011

I am furious.

Allow me to apologize in advance if any element hereforth is in anyway obscene or offensive to any of you, but I have been wronged.

Some barbarian degenerate stole a small plastic trash can from out behind my apartment. There is already vindication in this, so I am sure that the universe does not need to be righted. Nonetheless I remain concerned. And infuriated.

This small plastic trash can which, until some point today, lived next to the back door. For those of you that just laughed at the words "back door," that's fine. I did too. But back on track.

This small plastic trash can was where we used to drop the bags of freshly-scooped cat turds before we took them to the garbage. This is less grotesque than it sounds. Well, it's cat turds, so it's already grotesque. But the day's scoopings go into a bag, which goes into a bigger bag in the small plastic trash can. This unknown turdosity is my only solace in this entire event, a slight vindication.

Either way, some barbarian degenerate has stolen my small plastic trash can!

Filth flarn filth cat dog hot ants angry bat cut rip and murder hives this is what i have to do to not use all the words i learned as a kid in new jersey and then the ones that i learned from my italian friends and my german friends and my french family.


Listen to me people. There is an agreement. We are all supposed to be members of a civilization. One of the implicit agreements that all members of a civilization make is to keep up their end of the bargain. The bargain that says "I will not act like a barbarian degenerate."

Seriously, if one person steals another person's small plastic trash can, it's essentially Armageddon. Barbarism must not exist if civilization is to be.

I realize that this may not be terribly meaningful to many of you, but I cannot abide this degree of carelessness towards the possessions of others.

Half of you people, according to the polls at least, are Republicans. This certainly violates a law, and you guys are supposed to be really offended by people who break the law.

And you Democrats over there with your ennui, don't act like you wouldn't spill coffee on your New Yorker if you learned that you had been personally affronted with robbery.

And all of you Christians out there should be angry because this violates at least one of the Commandments. Not the first, about Godness, or the second, about guns, but one of the other ones. Violated.

And, if what I hear on the TV is right, then half of the rest of the world is waiting to find the person who stole my small plastic trash can and either put them in a hellhole of a prison or kill them outright for it.

So, I think I have something that can bring us all together as a people.

As a civilization.

Quit stealing other people's small plastic trash cans.

Once we get that right, we can step it up a bit.

Thank you.

And sorry for being away so long. It's been really nutty around here.