Saturday, September 19, 2009

I Hereby Declare the Recession Over

See now, don't you all feel better? It's official. It's over. Following the propaganda that I've been fed by the liberal media (Hey Bill O, Hey Rup), I think it is about time to call this and go home. So, if Bernake and Obama are going to wait and wuss out with their predictions that the economy is only improving, and not yet back to full bore Rosie the Riveter strength, I'll do it for them.

The recession is over.

I have proof.

I, like many other Americans, have a portion of my life in hock to these legalized usurers we call the credit company. Now I'm not going to act like I didn't bring this upon myself. Everyone who ever signed up for one of those little plastic cards o' doom is complicit. But don't you dare think that I don't think that they're not usurers. And don't think that I don't know that the Bible prohibits usury. (Leviticus 25:37) Why is it, by the way, that Leviticus seems to be the only Book of the Bible that anybody actually reads or talks about? Always with the laws and what God forbids. What about the Jesus parts, where we learn to be nice? Or the Apocalypse, which is so useful for the imagination?

But I digress.

So, I called Chase this week. Chase, the Bank. Not Utley. Called the bank and told them that I had been offered a better deal by CITI. Oddly enough, that incessant avalanche of credit card company mail actually did something for me once.

Anyway, I told them I had a better deal and that I was going to leave them and go to CITI if they didn't have any deals. Credit, when it isn't like slavery, is like free agency. You got to take the offer that's best for you.

So I said to the woman on the other end of the phone "Do you have any offers to make me that would give me reason to remain your customer?"

She said "No."

I couldn't freaking believe it. In a country where I receive at least two credit card solicitations every day, the company that already has me has no interest in keeping me.

So, if my math is correct, they don't need me.

Which means that they must be doing ok, if they can afford to lose customers.

So, if my math is correct, big business in America seems to be doing ok.

Now, you and I both know that it's you and I that the recession actually screws over, but the companies all think it's about them, so we'll roll with that, if only for the sake of argument.

So, if big business is doing ok, and this recession all started when big businesses began to fall apart--Enron, Freddie Mac or whatever it's called, AIG, hell even NASCAR got worried for a minute--then this recession must be over.

So, there it is, recession over. Back to all that prosper.

I'm going to watch the Notre Dame game. I encourage you all to do the same.

It's Rosh Hashanah, after all. And this is the day of rest. (Leviticus 23:24)


  1. Chase has been shedding customers since last January....when the recession was just getting going good. They have utter disdain for their current customers and have been happily stabbing us in the back for nine months.

    I would not take their lack of interest in retaining your business as evidence that the recession is over. Chase's egregious business model, i.e., "The customer is always suitable for screwing over." will eventually catch up with them if there is any justice in the world.

    Check out and other websites that detail the horror stories.

  2. I owe a company some money, and just so they could get something out of me they decided to offer me a settlement. I took it, then I will never EVER have a credit card again.

  3. Recession is just a massive robbery.