I'm Going to Go Play in Traffic

Notre Dame 27

USC 34

Eagles 9

Raiders 13

Titans 0

Patriots 59, at the two minute warning

At least I got to see my wife this weekend.

By which I mean, I love you.

Way more than football.

Because you make me happy.

I'm even losing my fantasy game.

By exactly my age.

I need a hug.

I mean, c'mon, seriously, like, f'real?

Dear Mr. President,

Don't you have something else to do?

Aren't there better asses to kick?

Aren't people still homeless?

And without insurance?

And uneducated?

And getting killed all over the place?

You have better things to do.

You're better than this.

Let those idiots say what they want.

You're rubber, they're glue.

Get back to the business at hand.

By which I mean earning that Nobel Peace Prize.

Let me handle Fox News.

With hope and respect,

Adrian

The First Coming

I don't mean to judge, but anyone who does not go to the Guggenheim's Kandinsky retrospective is an idiot.

I'm going to make this really simple.

I am a professional Art Historian.

Kandinsky is the primary reason why.

The other is Leonardo da Vinci's Adoration of the Magi, so now you know what kind of standards I hold.

The Kandinsky show at the Guggenheim is so good that I not only talked to a total stranger halfway through the show, but one of the paintings actually made me fall over, and I felt my rear end tingle at one point.

I have no shame about this. If you don't have a similar reaction, you're not looking hard enough.

Here's the deal, for those of you that don't know much about Modern Art or Kandinsky. A lot of people would argue that the history of 20th century art revolves around the development of abstract painting. Even if you don't like abstract painting, hang with me.

There are a few people who bear some profound responsibility for this. Turner, Cezanne, Picasso, Mondrian. Kandinsky is right there with them. If not ahead of them all.

If you don't understand abstract painting, or think you don't understand abstract painting, this show will part the clouds for you.

See, Kandinsky is evidence of a few pretty exciting things.

Number one: Abstract art can be, should be, must be understood as a natural outgrowth of representational painting. Somewhere in the early years of the 1910s, Kandinsky manifests this development. You can see it happen. The pivot is clear and obvious. And perhaps the most exciting moment in the history of art that I have ever witnessed.

Number two: Artists are not born geniuses, they learn to be geniuses. Kandinsky didn't start painting until his 30s. He got sick of his day job and decided to be a painter. He had history-changing success. Maybe it was innate, maybe it was dumb luck, maybe he was in the right place at the right time. His right place, right time is a where's where of Modern Art--Moscow, Munich, Berlin, Paris. If it happened somewhere, he was there. Probably before anyone else understood what the hell was going on.

Number three: Painting is about visual and spiritual revelation. Kandinsky's two books Concerning the Spiritual in Art and Point and Line to Plane are the two best books I have ever read about painting, with the exception of Leon Battista Alberti's Della Pittura. I mean this quite seriously. Looking at a good Kandinsky is like looking into the face of God. It is an experience that lays bare the structure of the universe and leaves one with the impression that all is planned, all is logic, and all is resonant with all else.

Go now. Give up an afternoon of football. If I'm saying that, you know this is the real thing.

Go now.

Or you're an idiot.

Non comprende.

I'm clearly not a pantaloon engineer, but can someone help me out with this?

What the hell is the purpose of the button fly?

Un autre blogger named Matt Kirsch has also puzzled over this, but I'm utterly lost.

I've been roaming around all weekend wearing a pair of button fly pants that I love, except when I need to use it, as they say. I can't be alone in this.

Can someone fill me in? I'm absolutely at a loss as to why the button fly is the superiour option. Note that I presume the English like it betteur.

Maybe they didn't have zippers back in Levi Strauss's day?

Things that still make me go hmm.

One other thing that doesn't make me go hmm is this...I read Dan Savage fairly religiously. He's informative, educational, and hi-larious. He also recommends blogging at a bar, drink in hand. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm sitting here with a pint of Guiness while the Titans are on the way to being beat by 90 and the Iggles let the Raiders look like a real team. Actually, blogging at your local watering hole is really productive.

Students, if you make art with beer in hand, I will find out and it will not be pretty.

Consider yourselves warned.

Just because I believe in the weekend does not mean that I do not have standards.

Especially about art, which is infinitely more important than blogging about button fly pants.

I Do Requests

This one is for a certain loudmouthed librarian I know, who hasn't supplied me with any new yoga weirdness to talk about.

Well, we're T-minus 10 days until the kickoff of the only basketball season I really care about. Next Wednesday the Memphis Grizzlies begin their campaign towards mature mediocrity.

I'm beginning to think that I'm some kind of sports masochist. Eagles, Titans, Notre Dame, Grizzlies. Jesus, I just need to become a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

Good trivia fact. Pittsburgh is the only city where all three teams have the same colors. Steelers, Pirates, Penguins. That's one of the reasons I'm ready to go to Pittsburgh whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Anyway, with the basketball season approaching, it is now time to focus on Memphis's fourth most important team. I'm putting Tiger b-ball first, Redbirds second, and third is a tie between Ole Miss and Vols football. Which is pathetic, cause the Griz are a local pro team and we don't have enough of those. Ahem, didn't build the Titans a stadium.

So, here's my thoughts about the Grizzlies, if only because they have a way better chance of being consequential than the Titans do these days.

Patience, grasshopper. That's my mantra.

See, the Grizzlies have a nice core going: OJ, Rudy, Conley, Marc Gasol (who I'd rather have than Pau anyway). And all sorts of promise elsewhere. Darrell Arthur, DeMarre Carroll, Sam Young, and that unbelievably tall future of the future named Hasheem Thabeet, who is gonna Thabeet every ball out of the sky this season. Plus, we just got Zach Randolph and the Answer, whose health is the biggest question right now. And, you know, I'm down with Lionel. I think he's on to something.

And we've got Hamed Haddadi, who is the only Iranian player in the league, which means that the Grizzlies are the future of world peace. If only he would've given me an autograph last season when I tried to get one after they beat the Suns. Hamed, buddy, I'm a fan. You gots to pay attention to the fans.

The core four looked very promising last year. OJ got tired down the stretch, which is a rookie syndrome, but Gasol and Conley both got much better and much more comfortable. If Gasol can get his average up to about 15 a game and Conley can start dishing with more success, we're on the way forward. And now that Zach Randolph's here, we can let Rudy shoot more and drive less. That'll help.

So, I'm not going to act like I can tell the future. I mean, I thought the Bengals were going to win today, which they didn't. But I think we might break even this season, which would be a 17 win improvement. But I think it's actually possible. They looked well improved down the stretch, and a lot of those games were actually sort of closeish.

I'm going with 41-41, if only cause it's a nice even number.

And, by the way, this post was by request.

I take requests.

Just not Dave Matthews Band or Celine Dion or the Cha-Cha Slide.

Cause they all suck. Worse than the Titans' secondary.

Allez les Griz!

I'm Not a Defensive Coordinator, But...

So, I'm at the Village Pour House on the Upper West Side, watching three games simultaneously, which is sort of like patting your head, rubbing your belly, and chewing gum at the same time. It's far more complicated than it looks. This is why John Madden is way smarter than I am.

Anyway, I'm not a defensive coordinator, but I do know a few things about defensive scheming.

The first thing I know about defense is that it wins championships. Op. cit. Baltimore Ravens January 28, 2001. Op. cit. Roethlisberger's first Super Bowl. Op. Cit. The first four Steelers Super Bowl victories.

And what I'm currently witnessing is that fat, lazy, inaccurate JaMarcus Russell dismantling the Eagles. While Tom Brady, stupid UM graduate, is simultaneously doing the same to the Titans.

I've never claimed to be His Majesty Buddy Ryan. Or the venerable Dick LeBeau. Or the Blessed Jim Johnson, but I know this.

If your secondary just stands around while anyone with an 80something on their jersey is holding onto a football, you're going to get beat. And if your linebackers are looking around for what to do, the play is already broke. And you will be too, once you get released from your team for letting the other team win.

Ever heard of closing on the ball?

Ever hear of tackling, Titans secondary?

Chuck Cecil, I'm talking to you. Sean McDermott, I'm talking to you too.

Here's what you do, in four down format:

1st. Put on the first DMX album.

2nd. Mix a little gunpowder, cayenne pepper, and paint thinner in a bottle. Shake it up. Give it to your players to drink. It'll make them mean, which is what you want.

3rd. Use verbs like destroy, emasculate, disembowel, demoralize, and finish with great frequency. At high volumes. You don't have to yell, but you have to get your players hungry. Remember what Lawrence Taylor said about playing like a bunch of mad dogs. If you're not in that zone of desire, you're wasting your time.

4th. Emphasize instinctive response. If you're looking around, it's too late. That's what film study is for. Am I the only one who saw Ray Lewis look Adrian Peterson in the eye, say "coming this way," and then stop him for a miniscule gain? That's what film study is for. You learn during the week. You execute during the game. Didn't Yoda say it best: "Do or do not. There is no try." Isn't it a title of a Roots tune: Respond/React? Don't make me say it a third time.

Jeff, Andy, I'm open to job offers. I'll work Special Teams, too, because they sure aren't pulling their weight today either.

VI

Well, after last week's demonstration of ineptitude, I'm going for broke. This week's a lot easier looking. Actually, I don't feel so bad about being so wrong last week anymore. Cincy-Baltimore was a surprise. Hey Ray, be careful when you decide to clean somebody's clock. Those were important yards. Cleveland-Buffalo was anybody's game. Somebody had to suck worse. Houston-Arizona was weirdly close and the New England-Denver went into overtime and the Jets-Fins games was a last second affair. I mean, I was totally wrong about Atlanta's dismantling of the 49ers, so I'll own that one. But we all know that predicting sports is a deal with the devil. Nobody knows what's going to happen.

Oh, and I miscounted. I wasn't 7-7. I was 8-6. I mismarked the Indy-Tennessee game. I marked it wrong because the Titans got handled, which was a loss for me, just not for my prediction. Trust me, students, I do not do the same on your exams.

So, I suck a little less than we all thought. I still have a winning record, which is not what I can say for the Titans.

Anyway, if only for consistency's sake, and because I'm on a bus with no desire to do anything professionally productive, away we go. Bear in mind that it's been midterm week at work, so my standard football info intake has been cut by about 12 hours.

Texans @ Cincy: I've drink/drank/drunk the Kool-Aid. I don't know how they do it, but these Cardiac Cats actually win. Everyone's healthy, they're at home and on a roll. And Houston is still inconsistent, despite the strides they're making. Cincy by 10, and not a last minute win.

Detroit @ Green Bay: I love the NFC North this year. But this one ought to be well in hand for the Packers. Detroit just isn't that good and, without Calvin Johnson, they're really in trouble. I'm not so concerned with the absence of Stafford, but Calvin Johnson's at least half of their offensive firepower. No dice. Cheeseheads by a dozen, if not more.

St. Louis @ Jacksonville: Well, now that that fat, loudmouth idiot is out of the picture, we can remove St. Louis from the list of cities I do not care to affiliate with. But, their football team still stinks like my cat's breath. And that wee running back from Jacksonville's been talking a whole lot of frustrated with his job, so he's going to have to put up or shut up. Look for a big day from the little man. Jag-u-ars by 14.

Ravens @ Vikings: Look, I love the Ravens. I think they're good enough to beat the Vikings. I just don't see it happening in Minneapolis. The Vikings are looking frightening, so this is going to be an uphill battle for the boys from B-more. But not since Jesse Ventura have I been so concerned with Minnesota's ability to fend for itself, so I'm going with the Favrings by 3. Look for an epic defensive battle here. One for the ages maybe.

Giants @ Saints: Ok, I know that the Giants are arguably the best team in football right now. But the Saints are at home, on that horrific carpeting, and hot as the day is long. Plus, they're rested. I just can't imagine that the Giants are going to be able to keep up. I still think they're the better team, but this'll be a scoring contest, not a question of overall superiority. Of course, if the Giants defense gets properly going, Mr. Brees could be in for a lesson in frustration. But I'm going Saints by 7.

Browns @ Steelers: I just don't think he's that much of a Mangenius. Maybe a Mansmartguy, but Mike Tomlin's a freaking prodigy. And his team's way more talented. And, if Palumalu's back in form, fuggedaboutit. He's gonna freelance all over Derek Anderson's pride all day long. And then he'll do the same to the most depressing Domer since Rick Mirer. Towel Terribility by about 14.

Carolina @ Tampa Bay: Christ, can anyone out there imagine something less interesting? I'd actually rather watch hockey. Panthers by 7, if only because of their running game.

KC @ Washington: I spoke too soon. At least Tampa Bay has cool uniforms. This game is going to be dullsville-o-rama-lama-ding-dong all the live long day. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Skins by 7 in the most unanticipated game since the Bob Davie era.

Iggles @ Jawbreakers: If the Eagles don't beat the living bejesus out of the Raiders, I'm going to cry. Everyone's on the field, the Raiders just plain stink, and November is around the corner, which means that December is too. C'mon gentlemen, let's start ensuring ourselves a spot in the playoffs. These victories will be important if the Giants don't self-destruct. Birds by 21.

Cardinals @ Seahawks: I think the Cardinals are going to win this one. Beanie's gonna get hot, Larry's gonna get hot, and I'm going to watch another game. Isn't it odd how the most electrifying team from last year's postseason has been so underwhelming this year? Cards by 10.

Titans @ New England: This is the sound of me dry heaving. I hate the Patriots. The Titans will lose by a lot, which will include their season, their dignity, and my emotional well-being.

Bills @ Jets: This one's for my friend Andre, who owns more Jets jerseys than the team does. The Sanchize gets back in form. I love "The Sanchize." Why can't my teams have such a cool phrase? Would you want Rex Ryan to yell at you two weeks in a row? I wouldn't. He might call his brother, and they might eat you. And that billboard about firing Dick Jauron is just plain hi-larious. Jets by 14. Minimum.

Broncos at Chargers: I'm going to be wrong about this, I'm sure, but I think the Chargers are going to pull it out. They're at home and their back is against the wall in that super weird AFC West. Chargers by 7.

I'm out. Getting close to the end of the bus ride. Happy football everyone.

Maintaining Civilization

Ok, point of order.

You there, Mr. Seat 16B on NW flight 504 from Memphis on Thursday, let me tell you a little story.

That arm rest is collective property. By which I mean, get your elbow the hell out of my personal space.

Now, I'm too polite to have made a big deal about it, but believe you me, I resented every second of your stupid elbow up in my business.

Here's the deal, there's this thing in the U S and A that we respect.

It's called personal space.

I paid a lot of money for the privilege of having my flight delayed by an hour and a half, of riding in a huge metal cigar with 300 people I don't care to socialize with.

Part of the social pact that we have here in my country tis of thee is that you don't get up in my space and I don't get up in yours.

This includes the arm rest.

Since there's only one, and there's two of us, we have to compromise. Where I'm from, this means that we both share it.

By not touching it at all.

See, if you use it, your elbow gets up in my ribs. If I use it, my elbow gets up in yours.

Notice that my elbow wasn't anywhere near your ribs? I did.

From here on out, let's you and me pretend that that elbow rest is sort of like the DMZ.

Next time you violate its sanctity, I'm going to go all sorts of Kim Jong-Il on that ass.

I come from a family of hard-headed Irish and impatient Hispanics.

You don't want any of this.

So, everyone out there in airplane land, let's make a deal like Monty Hall.

If you're on a crowded plane, do the person next to you the courtesy of leaving the elbow rest unoccupied. That'll assure everyone of their own personal space.

Think of the germophobes, agoraphobes, claustrophobes, and misanthropes.

By which I mean me.

So there it is. Agreed.

Happy flying.

I'm a Specialist in Mediocrity.

I believe I owe you all an apology.

My predictions for this week were of utter mediocrity.

I was 7-7.

This is pathetic.

Let it be said that I do not in any way endorse this act of repugnant underachievement. The authorial staff of this periodical believe to the utmost in performance at a higher level.

It is to be expected.

Allow me to apologize.

I am sorry.

What makes it worse is that I even tied my Fantasy Football game. And, if that weren't bad enough, I sat Donovan McNabb for fear of his fragility and he went out and put an old style 157.2 Passer Rating beat down on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. If I'd have played him, I'd have won.

Damn.

Sorry Donovan. I'll never complain about you being injury-prone again.

A Standard of Preparation for Public Speaking.

You have to be done before you start.

Kids. Don't Do This At Home.

My family is New Mexican.

Look it up.

If I ever get to start a street gang, I'm going to call it Gringos Peligrosos.

Cause that's sort of what I am.

A Dangerous Honkey.

Sort of.

In It To Win It

27 minutes till kickoff. I'm ahead of schedule this week.

Last week I was 10-4. I clearly can't predict a spread to save my life, but I'm practicing.

Because so many of you asked, here goes...

Week 5 NFL Predictions

Cincy @ Baltimore: It's spelled F-L-A-C-C-O. You can also spell it L-E-W-I-S. Just because Esteban Ochocinco's a hero of mine doesn't mean I'm stupid. Ravens by 14.

Cleveland @ Buffalo: I just can't believe in the Browns yet. Granted, I can't believe in the Bills yet, but Home Team advantage trumps incompetence, and I think T.O.'s fed up enough to have a big game. Bills by 7.

Washington @ Carolina: The Redskins are a mystery to me. They seem talented, but nothing ever works as planned. Carolina's just as big a mess. Here's my prediction. If Jake DelHomme hands the ball off, DeAngelo'll do the rest. Otherwise, it's anybody's guess. I want the Skins to win, just to get Campbells cajones off the charcoal. But you know, a Pick-6 is always a possibility, so who knows, but I'm saying Carolina by 3.

Pittsburgh @ Detroit: Steelers haven't won 2 in a row in a while. I don't care. Culpepper's a back-up and even though I'd like to see the vet get some of his 'spect back, it ain't gonna happen today. Black and Gold by a dozen.

Dallas @ Kansas City: Attention Comcast. Quit it with the Cowboys games. There's an Eagles game on at the same time. McNabb's back. Vick's still on the team. The Cowboys are a bunch of underachieving idiots, owned by a loudmouth, playing a bunch of underachieving midwesterners. I hope Dwayne Bowe has a huge game, so I can win my fantasy game. Saying this out loud is going to make me queasy, but Cowjerks by 10.

Oakland @ Giants: This is gonna be ugly. Even if Carr plays for Eli, it's probably not going to be worth watching. Giants by double digits. This could be the massacre of the week.

Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia: McNabb's back, the Philly phaithphull are going to want a new reason to toss him out of town, Kolb's been playing like a champ, Vick keeps talking about being a starter. McNabb's pride wins it by 10.

Minnesota at St. Louis: Rush Limbaugh is an ass. Any team that affiliates with him deserves to be skewered on a helmet horn. After last week, Favre's looking spooky good. And Peterson wasn't even on full tilt. This might be uglier than the Giants game. Vikings by 21, if not 35.

ATL @ San Francisco: I have no idea on this one. I haven't seen the injury report recently, either. But my gut tells me that it's going to be close, if not totally unpredictable. Don't believe me on this one, but I'm saying 9ers by 7, though it'll be the defense that wins it for them.

Houston @ Arizona: The Cards are in a funk, Warner's sort of injured, Schaub is still vertical and that damn Andre Johnson is looking like Larry Fitzgerald used to. Texans by 10. This might actually be their year for the playoffs, thought they'll have to send the Titans a card.

New England @ Denver: I'm totally bewildered by the Broncos. Good rookie, amazingly improved defense, and that coach actually seems to know what he's doing. But, Brady's Brady and I just don't see Denver's recent success trumping New England's sustained goodness. Here's that queasiness again. Patriots by 14.

Jacksonville @ Seattle: I don't even care about this game. I care so little about either of these teams, I'm not even sure who Jacksonville's QB is. I think it's Garrard, because I remember him lighting up the Titans, but he might be on the bench by now. And, I remember Seattle being sort of banged up. I vote Seattle by 7.

Indy @ Tennessee: I don't want to talk about this. Colts by at least 14.

J-E-T-S @ Miami: OK, I've taken the green pill. I'm a believer in the Jets, and this Braylon Edwards move will confuse people enough that it'll free up the Sanchise to do some interesting things with the rest of his weapons. And the Ryan defensive pedigree is enough. I'm calling it J-E-T-S by t-e-n.

Congrats to Dario Franchitti for winning the IRL Points Championship in an amazing season ending. And condolences to Scott Dixon, who I was hoping might make an argument for greatest ever. I'm really looking forward to the battle royale next year'll be.

Relaxicating.

That's what I'm doing. Relaxicating.

It's Shabbat. Let's talk football.

Shalom, friends. I have a few things to say before I forget, so here goes.

I was 10-4 with my predictions last week. I don't know how good Vegas did with their predictions, but I think 10-4 is pretty good for a first try. That's a much better percentage than James Caan had last week on NFL Total Access, and I'm not even an actor. Tune in for this week's predictions.

Last week's predictions started a little back-and-forth with someone I will keep anonymous. He's a NY Giants fan, and I'd hate for that information to sully his otherwise solid reputation. And I don't want him to think that I don't enjoy every second of those exchanges.

This past week, he reminded me, without remorse, of the utter grotesquery of my beloved Titans, with a side dish of how good the Giants are. He's right. We really stink, and they're really good, but I still hope Eli gets some mental fasciitis somewhere in November and the Eagles can score some touchdowns 1, 2, 3.

But, in good faith, I believe that I should honor his team's excellence by, as he asked, saying something nice about the Giants. I'm going all in and saying three nice things about the Giants.

Take a photo, send a memo, call your parents, because I'm not doing this again.

Three Nice Things About the Giants

1. Bill Parcells is my all-time favorite coach. Mainly because he's called The Big Tuna, but also because his football genius is limitless. That's why you lift all them weights.

2. Lawrence Taylor is the first person I'd take to a brawl. If it weren't for Richard Marvin Butkus and John Harold Lambert, I'd call him the greatest linebacker ever. I still might.

3. Eli actually looks like he belongs in his big brother's league.

My Marriage Depends on Danica Patrick

Dear Danica,

I know that you don't know me and that you're probably not really interested in taking on another obligation. Those NASCAR truck races are probably weighing heavily on you these days.

But, listen, I need a favor. Please stick with IndyCar. Please.

My wife's exact words were "I will divorce you if you get into NASCAR."

You're married, right? You know the stakes. Help me out. Stick with IndyCar.

See, here's the deal. I don't give a damn about NASCAR, but I am a big fan of Andretti Green Racing and that's your team. I mean, damn, who wouldn't like a team with you, TK, Hideki, and Marco. Christ, that's like John, Paul, George, and Ringo. You'll have to sort out who's who.

If you bolt to NASCAR, as a fan of AGR and you as a driver, I'm going to have a hard time not paying attention to your career, even though you're signed on with Tony Stewart. That won't matter. I'm a loyal fan and too dumb to not pay attention to something I'm already sort of interested in.

See, I like car racing. The sound, the repetitive rhythms of a race, the infinite minutia that goes into fielding a team, and the amazingly complex strategery that goes into winning a race.

And, besides, I've been down with Girl Power since Sporty, Scary, Posh and them, so I support your career for the same reason I read Betty Friedan or listen to Queen Latifah. I'm into paradigm-challenging women. And, you not only qualify, but you kick ass at it.

And God knows NASCAR could use the revolution that you'd bring.

So I'm caught.

Do I support the rights of women to drive fast as lightning in supercharged cars or do I maintain domestic tranquility?

I'm stuck.

So, here's my solution. Stick with IndyCar. You and I both know it's cooler. The cars go faster, look more like spaceships, and you might be the one to dethrone Dixon or Dario.

Speaking of, ask Dario why he went back to IndyCar. I bet he'll tell you because it's cooler. And because Ashley didn't want her husband messing around with NASCAR no more.

So help me out. Or, alternatively, call my wife and tell her that it's not worth divorcing me over.

Thanks,

Adrian

I Like Books

Editor's Note: Don't blog before you've had coffee. I had a whole thing going and then, because I wasn't really awake, pressed the wrong button. Whole thing deleted. D'oh.

Anyway, my point is this. The week begins in 32 minutes, so I'm getting this one in at the wire.

Here are my predictions for NFL Week Four. I'm tired of Peter King and all the stat freaks having all the fun. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Peter King and the stat freaks, but I want in.

Federales: I am not encouraging gambling. I am encouraging clairvoyance. In fact, I don't gamble. I'm too cheap. And I'm just trying to democratize the process.

Football + Me = American democracy.

Oh, and by the way, the managment assumes no responsibility for blown predictions, untoward logic, misapprehension of the statistics, financial loss, family strife, personal shame, or other acts of God, natural disasters, or unforseen idiocy. Readers are obliged to consider all known knowns, unknown knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns. You're all adults. It's your money. I'm not responsible.

So, here goes.

Detroit @ Chicago: Chicago by at least 14. I'm tired of Jay Cutler, but he can be on when he's on. And Chicago has too many potential weapons for this to not be their day. I'd love to see an upset, though, because Jay Cutler's a baby and Stafford and the Lions are so in need.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland: Cincy by a touchdown. This could be the fiasco of the day, but the Bengals seem able to cobble it together at a better rate of success than the Browns. Again, it's a question of potential weapons.

Oakland @ Houston: Texans by a dozen. Two words. JaMarcus Russell. Two more. Jeff Garcia. The Raiders are in a deep, deep QB hole. Even their backup doesn't want to have anything to do with them. And can someone remind me about Week 2 against the Titans? Damn Andre Johnson.

Seattle @ Indy: Peyton Manning by 10. No Hasselbeck? Seattle's cooked. At Indy? Overcooked. Pierre Garcon + Reggie Wayne + Donald Brown? Burnt to a crisp. This might be the embarrassment of the week. Can I get an amen that Peyton may be the most beautiful QB to watch, but also the most boring? He's like the Nicolas Poussin of QBs: graceful, balanced, cerebral, but almost totally devoid of a pulse.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville: Titans by 3. 0-4? I'll have to sit shiva if they don't win this one. I just don't see Jacksonville beating the Titans. MJD be damned, he's not the whole team. Titans, you're on notice. Keep this up and I'm gonna start looking for a new set of receivers to care about. And a new secondary. And new special teams. And, LenDale, you may not be fat anymore, but you're not good either. Get it together, guys, my Fall Semester's riding on you.

Giants @ KC: I hate to say it, but Giants by 17. They're arguably the best team in the league right now (arguably), and Eli actually looks like a guy who has won a Super Bowl. Ron Jaworski forgive me, but I think the Giants are the team to back this week.

Baltimore @ New England: Spoiler alert! Flacco by 7. I just think that the Ravens are going to win this one. NE's been too inconsistent, and I just don't think this defense is going to be ready enough. I might be wrong as striped pants and a plaid shirt, but I think the Ravens are good enough, if not the best team in the league right now. Yo Joe!

Tampa Bay @ Washington: Bucs by 7. I know they stink, but I just have a feeling that the Skins are in downward spiral mode. They're a half-decent team, but they're hiking uphill in hard bottoms on mossy stones. How's that for a belabored image?

Buffalo @ Miami: Bills by 5. Can't figure out why. I think TO's gonna be on a mission, those backs will be competing against each other towards a beautiful pas-de-deux, even the defense seems like they might be a help. Somehow I think the Fins are on borrowed time this week.

Jets @ Saints: Saints by 10. I want to bet on the Sanchize, I really do. And I love that defense, even after what they did to the Titans. But Drew Brees has been impressing me since he came to South Bend as a Boilermaker. And did you all see that video where he's throwing at a target? He's freakish. And they're at home. J-E-T-S? N-O-P-E. Sorry guys, I want you to win, but the Saints are rolling downhill on a snot-greased track.

Dallas @ Denver: Did I mention that I hate the Cowboys? Broncos by 3. This'll be decided by unforced errors. But I think that the Broncos can make this happen, especially if Moreno and Marshall get hot.

Rams @ 49ers: Niners by 14. The Rams suck. I'm sorry Missouri people, but they do. And the Niners are looking good. And I'm not stupid enough to argue with Singletary. He might take his pants off.

Chargers @ Steelers: Steelers by 2, maybe. The Chargers are dangerous as a mother. But the Steelers are underperforming. Home field advantage? Weather will be a factor. Dick LeBeau wins it for the Steelers.

Packers @ Vikings: Best game ever? Doubtful. But the Favre-a-thon rolls onward to victory. It's a home game, Peterson's frightening, Harvin's frightening, that D's frightening. The Packers are frightening, though, too, so I'm saying Brett Favre's ego and pride connect on a late touchdown. Vikings by 7.

An Alternate Manifesto

I'm not trying to pick a fight. I'm really not. In fact, I'm rarely trying to pick a fight. Honestly. I know none of you believe me.

Either way, I have something to say about being a fan.

I am a fan. Almost to the point of stupidity. See, I went to Notre Dame, where I learned what it meant to love football. In fact, of all the things at Notre Dame that I learned (that wasn't Art History related) loving football was the one thing that is going to stick with me forever. Anyone who ever went knows what I'm talking about. Michigan people know what I'm talking about, but they're infuriating. Like Ohio State and USC people. In fact, I flat out hate any team that Notre Dame is playing.

Anyway, back to my point. I recently read an article in the NYTimes. Well, online. Print newspaper is on the way out. Which is a tragedy because reading a real newspaper is one of the great pleasures of the modern world.

This article I read was about a guy named Michael Tunison, who wrote a book called The Football Fan's Manifesto. I haven't read it. But, like a good academic, I get the jist of it, so I'm going to make an argument about it. Not really, I'm just going to tell you what I think. Like a good academic. I hope I didn't just blow anybody's cover.

Kids, that's called sarcasm. I'm kidding. No I'm not. And, now we're in an Eddie Izzard routine.

Anyway, Tunison makes an argument in this article that I'd like to publicly disagree with, as a fan of football.

First of all, Mr. Tunison claims that the cutoff point for selecting a team is age 8. Actually, he says that in the book. The interviewer refers to it. Got to get the citations right.

See, now, this is ok for me, because, following that rule I get the Steelers, who are certainly fashionable now, because they're the reigning champs. But, then, before I was 8, they were the greatest team ever. This was the tail end of the Bradshaw, Harris, Stallworth, Swann, Steel Curtain Steelers. The greatest team ever. The quintessential dynasty. Hapsburgian. So I'm set.

But I'm disputing the rule.

I think fandom is aggregate. It builds up like sediment over the course of a lifetime. Sometimes this is for a single team, like I am for the Irish. But, I also think that one may accumulate a multitude of teams of which one is a fan.

An example. Myself. I've always watched the NFL. I'm pretty certain it was my Dad's doing, but my Mother will watch the bejesus out of a football game, too, so it was probably a team effort.

I am an Eagles fan. And a Titans fan. That's where I'm at right now.

But, I think that fandom is about self-determination. Like the floating can. It's a screen onto which we project our identities and it is a source from which we draw identity. It's dual and multi- if not polydirectional.

Now, I need to not put words into Tunison's mouth. Here's the quote, from the NYTimes:

For a diehard fan, however, there’s so much of their personal identity wrapped up in which team they root for that turning their back on that team amounts to something of a personal betrayal.

I fully agree with the notion of fandom and identity, but this issue of personal betrayal doesn't make sense to me. Because I think that identity is, like fandom, an aggregate. It builds up like sediment.

Point of order. I've just made a circular argument. I'm aware of this. I don't care because, to an extent, all arguments are circular. That's so contradictory arguments roll right off.

Anyway, I am an Eagles fan and a Titans fan.

And a Steelers fan, because I was when I was a kid.

And a Broncos fan, because I have family in Colorado, and because I love John Elway. And the Three Amigos.

And a Cardinals fan, because I have family in St. Louis. I'm talking Neil Lomax. The Arizona Cardinals and the St. Louis Rams are both dead to me.

And a Ravens fan, because I used to live in Maryland, with a dude from Baltimore, to boot. And Joe Flacco went to Delaware. I did too, but before he was there. But how often does a Blue Hen become an amazing pro QB right down the street like that?

And an Eagles fan, because somewhere along the line, when I was a kid, I had an Eagles helmet, which may have been both a sign and source of allegiance. And because I lived in Philly.

And a Titans fan, because I live in Tennessee. Which is why I'm a Grizzlies fan, but that's a different sport. Same argument, different sport.

See, that's my departure from Tunison. I don't understand why one cannot accumulate a multiplicity of fanhoods for a number of teams with which one's life has brought one into contact. It seems natural to me, like having a favorite pizza joint in every city you've lived in.

I'm sure this will infuriate a number of people. Hopefully it won't get me thrown out of my Fantasy league, but Fantasy people probably already know what I'm talking about. I was just yelling because Ronnie Brown just scored a touchdown. And I don't give a damn about the Dolphins.

And I really hope that the good people of Philadelphia, Art first among them, will forgive me. But do know that I am with you above all others.

You may have noticed that I am both an Eagles and a Titans fan. How, you will want to know, would I deal with the blessed day on which the Eagles and Titans meet in the Super Bowl? This is utterly possible. Probably not this year, but it is. And some of you will think this is a contradiction, that I can be a fan of both simultaneously. An impossibility. And some of you will notice that this is a win-win, a rather convenient situation for me. This is true.

Now, a practical dilemma. What of those days when the Eagles play the Cardinals, or the Titans play the Broncos, or the Steelers or the Ravens, for that matter? Well, then I'm with the Eagles, or the Titans, because, as I've already said, the Arizona Cardinals are dead to me, and John Elway retired, and this isn't the Steel Curtain. What about the Ravens, who are still in Maryland and still have Joe Flacco? I'm with the Titans because, like so many things in life, you've got to pick your battles.

What of that blessed day? Super Bowl Infinity, Eagles vs. Titans?

I will be happy. And I will be sad. Because that's what being a fan is about. Being happy when things go well and sad when they do not. Just like when I get to eat pizza at my favorite pizza place but know I won't be back for a while.

Happy when things go well and sad when they do not. Like so many things in life.

See, football does explain everything.

I Hereby Declare the Recession Over

See now, don't you all feel better? It's official. It's over. Following the propaganda that I've been fed by the liberal media (Hey Bill O, Hey Rup), I think it is about time to call this and go home. So, if Bernake and Obama are going to wait and wuss out with their predictions that the economy is only improving, and not yet back to full bore Rosie the Riveter strength, I'll do it for them.

The recession is over.

I have proof.

I, like many other Americans, have a portion of my life in hock to these legalized usurers we call the credit company. Now I'm not going to act like I didn't bring this upon myself. Everyone who ever signed up for one of those little plastic cards o' doom is complicit. But don't you dare think that I don't think that they're not usurers. And don't think that I don't know that the Bible prohibits usury. (Leviticus 25:37) Why is it, by the way, that Leviticus seems to be the only Book of the Bible that anybody actually reads or talks about? Always with the laws and what God forbids. What about the Jesus parts, where we learn to be nice? Or the Apocalypse, which is so useful for the imagination?

But I digress.

So, I called Chase this week. Chase, the Bank. Not Utley. Called the bank and told them that I had been offered a better deal by CITI. Oddly enough, that incessant avalanche of credit card company mail actually did something for me once.

Anyway, I told them I had a better deal and that I was going to leave them and go to CITI if they didn't have any deals. Credit, when it isn't like slavery, is like free agency. You got to take the offer that's best for you.

So I said to the woman on the other end of the phone "Do you have any offers to make me that would give me reason to remain your customer?"

She said "No."

I couldn't freaking believe it. In a country where I receive at least two credit card solicitations every day, the company that already has me has no interest in keeping me.

So, if my math is correct, they don't need me.

Which means that they must be doing ok, if they can afford to lose customers.

So, if my math is correct, big business in America seems to be doing ok.

Now, you and I both know that it's you and I that the recession actually screws over, but the companies all think it's about them, so we'll roll with that, if only for the sake of argument.

So, if big business is doing ok, and this recession all started when big businesses began to fall apart--Enron, Freddie Mac or whatever it's called, AIG, hell even NASCAR got worried for a minute--then this recession must be over.

So, there it is, recession over. Back to all that prosper.

I'm going to watch the Notre Dame game. I encourage you all to do the same.

It's Rosh Hashanah, after all. And this is the day of rest. (Leviticus 23:24)

Yelling at the President

OK. This is idiotic. Liberal people, blogosphere, 24-hour news cycle, people I know, whoever.

Can I try to make a point?

You all know about this guy, Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC). He's the one who yelled out at Obama recently. Called him a liar to his face. In Congress. All over the interwebs.

I think we've got this all wrong.

Joe Wilson needs to be commended, not vilified.

Hear me out.

I agree with all of you that it wasn't the most respectful thing to do. After all, Obama is the President and, even if you don't want to respect the man, you do have to respect the Office.

And I agree with all of you that think Wilson made a jackass of himself in public. And, even greater a sin, the fact that he didn't have his facts straight. If you're going to call someone a liar to their face in public, make sure you know what you're talking about. Now you look like twice a jackass.

But here's my problem. Why are we all making such a big deal out of this utterly miniscule breach of decorum?

First of all, this is a democracy where we are all ensured the Freedom of Speech and the Freedom to Demonstrate. It's right there, number one.

Moreover, we are all entitled to bear our own political (to say nothing of religious) ideologies. Notwithstanding previous national shame invited at Salem and under McCarthy, amongst others, every one of us is allowed to object to the political beliefs of another. Our right to do so is protected in our foundational documents.


One of the countries we, as a nation, took many of our political ideals is England. Even though we threw them out, we learned more than a few things from them. Thank you also to the French, who taught us more. In England, every year the Monarch enters into the Houses of Parliament. In this circumstance, the Monarch is a guest of the Houses and must thus bear them a certain deference. Like when you go to someone's house for dinner. You follow their rules. It's an act of courtesy, amongst other social civilities.

I don't see why we're all making such a big deal about Joe Wilson, a member of Congress, vocalizing his objections. Our Congress, which has proven itself to be woefully unable to move beyond partisan sandbox contests and nearly backward momentum, needs a little more fire in the belly. A little more piss and vinegar, if you will. They're not doing anything already. Except getting in the way and making things far more complicated. You can agree with me on that whether or not you're a Democrat or a Republican or a whatever.

Obama ought to have yelled back. He's not being assertive enough anyway.

All I'm trying to say is that the issue of a Congressman yelling at the President, who is a guest in another's chambers, and needs to get a little less mellow to begin with, might not be such a big deal.

Because there are way more important things to get all undone about.

We've got people being shot at and dying because they can't get help.

The streets where I live are so destroyed in parts they've actually got topography.

The National Parks are being left to the wayside because we're spending the money on bombs.

Everybody I know is trying as hard as possible, but the kids still need to be better educated.

This isn't some partisan back and forth arguing manners race gender marriage guns bailout mortgage pissing contest kind of thing.

We're gonna wreck this contry and the whole planet with it if we can't get our shit together and quit fighting with each other over minutia. We need to fix this jackassed country because we're all better than this. You know it and I know it.

But I still think we should stop yelling. And start having normal civilized conversations.

Why I Love Living in America

This is from Gail Collins in The New York Times. 4 September 2009.

Remember, kids, footnotes are the difference between research and theivery.


As the summer of ’09 slinks off into the sunset, let’s take a minute to reminisce. Who would have thought, when it began, that we’d spend two whole months burying Michael Jackson? Or arguing about whether or not Barack Obama wanted to pull the plug on grandma?

I think we have a theme, people. “Ghoulish” is not a word you normally attach to “vacation season” except in certain teen-slasher movies. Yet here we are.

Passions about health care ran so high! Just this week, we heard about a clash of demonstrators and counter-demonstrators in which one man got a piece of his finger chomped off. Without taking sides on who started the fight, I am going to come right out and say that this is a bad plan. You cannot achieve universal health coverage by biting off somebody’s pinkie.

Anyway, let’s see how much attention you’ve been paying:

I. Match the locale and the protester:
A) Man with loaded handgun strapped to his thigh shows up for an Obama town hall meeting.
B) Man carrying assault rifle shows up at Obama speech to veterans.
C) Congressman holding town hall meeting is greeted by a raucous crowd including at least one participant packing heat.
D) Congresswoman holding a “Congress on Your Corner” event at a local supermarket is greeted by demonstrators, one of whom has a pistol holstered under his armpit which falls and bounces to the floor.

1) Phoenix
2) Douglas, Ariz.
3) Memphis
4) Portsmouth, N.H.

*****

II. How my state spent the summer:
A) The governor is being sued by a cocktail waitress, who claims he assaulted her outside a nightclub; the lieutenant governor is facing felony charges for misusing state funds; the junior U.S. senator admits he had an affair with his campaign bookkeeper.
B) After the governor was impeached for trying to sell a Senate seat, his wife tried to help support the family by competing on a TV reality show, where she ate a tarantula. When last seen, her husband seemed to have embarked on a new career as a professional Elvis impersonator.
C) A hot race for governor was interrupted when prosecutors indicted three mayors, two state assemblymen, five rabbis and a guy who was allegedly running an organ-trafficking business.
D) Two Democratic state senators switched parties, throwing control to the Republicans, then switched back again. One of them is under indictment for attacking his girlfriend with a broken glass. The other one was named majority leader and promptly tried to give his son a $120,000 Senate job.

1) New Jersey
2) Nevada
3) Illinois
4) New York

*****

III. Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota or Sarah Palin?
A) “Right now we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom in this country.”
B) “The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s ‘death panel’. ...”
C) Refuses to fill out her census form.
D) Urged people to be “armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax.”
E) Going to China to address an investors forum sponsored by a Hong Kong brokerage firm.
F) “Only dead fish go with the flow.”

*****

IV. Affairs to remember (Match the admitted adulterers and their quotes)
A) “I made a very difficult decision to tell the truth. ...”
B) “Let’s not make decisions based on hyperbole.”
C) “I haven’t done anything legally wrong.”
D) “There was a gentle shyness ... that I found endearing.”

1) Senator John Ensign
2) Basketball coach Rick Pitino
3) Sheryl Weinstein, mistress of Bernie Madoff
4) Gov. Mark Sanford

*****

V. Match the reality TV stars:
A) “I had no idea how fuzzy it was ... and how all-encompassing that richness of flavor was going to be.”
B) “She’ll call me like, almost like a lame fish.”
C) “The photo shoot was so much fun. It was like going to Disneyland.”
D) “I was jumping up and down going, ‘Thank You, Lord.’ ”

1) Jon Gosselin, of “Jon & Kate Plus 8”
2) Michelle Duggar, mother in “18 and Counting,” who is expecting her 19th child.
3) Tom DeLay, after his invitation to compete on “Dancing With the Stars.”
4) Actor Lou Diamond Phillips after beating the ex-governor’s wife in tarantula eating.

*****

ANSWERS: I. A-4, B-1, C-3, D-2; II. A-2, B-3, C-1, D-4; III. Bachmann: A, C, D, and Palin: B, E, F; IV. A-2, B-4, C-1, D-3; V. A-4, B-1, C-3, D-2

Raising a Teenager

In case you need a little help. For parents and children to read together.

I really don't try to be hateful, but sometimes I'm forced into it. That 3 Doors Down song that they play during the Geico commercials is one of the largest and most foul, steaming road apples I have heard in recent memory.


Is this what we are giving to our children? I mean, seriously, is this the soundtrack of teenage angst these days?

OK, kids, gather round. Adrian's going to tell you a little story.

When you become a teenager--when you turn 13--you are given a slightly small window (16 should be a goal, 17 a breaking point, 18 the absolute last tolerable moment) within which you are going to be able to act like a lunatic. For whatever reason you select. It's sort of a social pact that we have with ourselves. A quick burst of the nutty, and then you go on and start to act like a normal human being again.

When you get there, this teenage period, part of this won't be your fault, which is why the rest of us will only resent you, not hate you outright. It'll be the raging hormones, which will require music.

Music that you will need to somehow reassure you that you're the only one who gets what it's like to be you. You know what? You are. The rest of us aren't you, so you're going to have to keep that in mind if you want to make any of this work.

3 Doors Down, and their stupid Let Me Be Myself song, are not going to help. Even if you think it will. It's too melodramatic, and what you don't want is melodrama, because nobody will take you seriously if you're being melodramatic. And, to boot, the lyrics are total crap. "If you don't mind"? Who are these people kidding?

As I've learned by watching my show, Weeds, thug means not having to say you're sorry.

So listen to something with a little quality. The first three Metallica albums are good. Someone who I hold in high esteem when it comes to metal argues for the fourth, but I'm not going to tell you to go four deep just yet. Pantera's first two--Cowboys from Hell and Vulgar Display of Power--are sublime. Must haves. I am quite fond of Sepultura's Arise and Death's Individual Thought Patterns, though I caught onto them late in the game. I am not well enough versed to recommend individual albums, but Anthrax and Slayer are required. And, to add, because you don't want to limit yourself or become an apolitical moron, listen to the first Rage Against the Machine album. And spend some time looking at the cover and thinking about it.

Parents, if you should become alarmed by the sounds coming from your child's music delivery device, let me offer this advice. Listen to it yourself. It'll help you deal with the child, who will be acting like a lunatic. And you'll have something to listen to together later.

Time to Pray

Dear Jesus,

Please don't let the Irish be terrible this year. Not terrible like when I was there. The years of which we do not speak. Let them be respectable. And, if you can, competitive. For a good, credible bowl game. Thanks.

Adrian

Interruption of Thought

I had a Ben Street moment today. I was in the car and 94.1 in Memphis was playing Simon and Garfunkel, which is nice because I got sick of them a while ago and it's nice to remember that they're worth listening to. But they followed that with Huey Lewis and the News. Which was amazing. So I rushed into the house and bought me a Huey Lewis and the News album on the iTunes. I feel pretty good about this.

Titans Notes

1. Turnovers, gentlemen. Turnovers are the reason teams lose. Remember the Baltimore game from last year? I do. It broke my heart. Don't turn it over.

2. Speaking of, someone inside the Titans organization please tell Vince Young that he needs to stop throwing under pass rush pressure 3rd quarter picks. He's done it before. A lot. He threw a pick 6 tonight that was just unnecessary. It was the difference between a win and a loss. He's good enough to fix this, but someone needs to tell him.

3. In other Vince Young news, he needs to be given credit. The pick 6 was unfortunate, but he's otherwise been putting the right foot forward, at least as of now. He's using his arm. He's using his legs. Seems like he's using his brain, which can be problematic at times (see #2).

4. Matthew Mulligan, TE (Maine), needs to be given a place on the practice squad. Not that I don't think he's good enough to play on Sunday, but there's Alge Crumpler, Bo Scaife and Jared Cook already on the squad. Crumpler should be let go after this contract expires. Not without a hardy thank you, but because Scaife--if he's still around--is already a starter quality TE and Jared Cook may be as well. And Crumpler will be at the end of his career when this contract expires, so let him retire. And someone should probably begin thinking about getting him on a Hall of Fame ballot. Getting him in is the choice of the voters, but I think he's nomination-worthy. And Matthew Mulligan is Sunday-worthy. So the Titans need to keep him around. I'm still not sure what to do with Craig Stevens, because he deserves to play as well. If either of these guys are free agents, some smart team will pick them up.

What the hell?

I'm not kidding. Facebook just notified me of this:

It's August 29, you're feeling frisky, Share some gifts, wild one.

Trust Me. I'm a Doctor.

A friend of mine may have just hurt himself, so I shouldn't be joking. But I'm not. For real. And he'll live. So, even if I was joking, it'd be ok.

I've made a brief list of things that I think people should look to first in certain medical situations. Either alone or in combination, try:

Water.
A Drink, but just one.
Ice.
Heat.
The Dark.
Aspirin, or whatever your painkiller of choice. But be careful with that prescription stuff.
Screaming.
Smashing something.
Taking a nap.
Zoning out
An apple.
Television.

There you go. You can thank me later. And you don't have to say "wow, that really worked." I know already. But pass it on.

Incidentalish Notificatiating, not all football

1. Google really stinks sometimes. I wanted a picture of The Duke (fig. 1) and thus typed "The Duke" into Google. All I got was John Wayne and some other knucklehead who thinks he's called The Duke. Then, Google Images even found me some crap soldier from a cheezy movie character called The Duke. And not the cool Duke from GI Joe. Google didn't come up with a single thing that was on topic until I typed the word "football" into the search. This is unacceptable. Google isn't going to live up to its promise until it is able to know what I mean all the time, even if I don't say it clearly.

2. Matthew Stafford is looking pretty decent. I think the punditry that believes Culpepper should start is probably right. But Stafford looks like he's got this mostly under control. As much as you can expect from a guy in his position. More than Sanchez. But, then again, Indy's defense isn't Baltimore's. But I still see this Stafford thing working out ok.

3. Memphis kicks ass. Your town doesn't have Graceland. Or Stax. And I don't care where you're from or what you think, our BBQ is way better than yours. I'm not saying it's the best city in the history of the universe. I'm just saying that Memphis kicks ass.

4. People complain about all the stops in a football game. When else are you going to go do all the other stuff that you need to do? I mean, damn, the games are on for 9 hours in a row some days. You've got to get some other stuff done. I've so far only been watching for 3 hours and 36 minutes and I've cleaned the whole house, eaten two meals, aired out the rugs, did all the dishes, and been writing this craziness. Commercials suck. Watching football is the best way to get things done.

5. "More better" is not proper English. I'm talking to you, J.T. "The Brick" from Raiders Television Network. And anybody else who wants their English to get more better. The er takes care of the more. It's like Bigger and Deffer. You just get bigger. Like when you take steroids, which, kids, makes you stupider, too. Now, big we can understand, so bigger makes sense. Def we can understand, so deffer makes sense. Along those lines, if we have better, what's bett? Somebody get me an etymology.

6. The Raiders need a new stadium. I'm not saying that they deserve one, but they field they play on looks like trash. Sharing a stadium with a baseball team is, at the very least, horrific for the aesthetics of the field. Only god knows what playing on it is like.

7. At some point recently, I made a list of things I would buy next time I had some superfluous money. Which frankly makes no sense in the middle of a recession. But my only two items were wireless video game controllers and more visors. I need to reprioritize. What I need is an XBOX 360, so I could become a professional Madden player. That'd be sweet.

8. Sometimes, the best art is the kind of art that's good to look at for about 20 seconds and then be able to forget about.

9. It's actually true. The early Black Eyed Peas stuff is pretty dope. I just got my hands on Behind The Front, their 1998 debut. So far, I'm impressed. Which makes that 3 for 3 with J5 and Dilated. They never stopped making good hip hop in California.

10. That lost ball wasn't JaMarcus Russell's fault. You need better blocking on the end of that line. Someone coming all that far around the end should be able to be pushed out of the way. That tackle needs to sort that out.

11. The left side of the Saints' O-line needs to block better. That screen at about 5:00 of the 1st quarter could've gone for 10 more yards if those two would've blocked better.

This is a Great Idea

Ritchie Smith Associates has a plan to plant trees on Plough Boulevard on the way to the Memphis Airport. Lots of them. Canopy trees and about 650 smaller trees.

This is a really good idea. We all know that Plough Boulevard is one of the world's most uniformly dull roads to have to look at. Much to its credit, the road is really fun to drive on. Everyone's going about 15-20 miles over the limit, it's got lengthy and graceful curves, enough space that it isn't usually traffic-ridden, and bridges a very long expanse that brings people into and out of Memphis.

There's a good article on this in the Flyer this week, but I just wanted to spread this idea a bit to the wider world. Because I think it matters to everyone.

America is beginning to look like hell.

I've been loads of places, mainly because my parents drove to everywhere when I was a kid, so I've been to most of the contiguous states, and I've been to Hawaii. So I've been lucky enough to see a huge amount of this country, which is a wicked land indeed. The land. The stuff we didn't mess with. The San Francisco Bay. The Na Pali coast. The Badlands. Maine. Even New Jersey, which remains the greatest of the states in this union, is really truly beautiful in the places we didn't go and wreck.

I'd argue the primary reason for one of these dilemmas--the one that pertains to Plough--is that we, as a nation and voting citizenry, haven't done hardly worth a damn for keeping the infrastructure together. Plough Boulevard, frankly, is a nice road. But the stuff around it isn't worth looking at

How many pot holes can you think of that you've driven past recently?

If the number is more than 10 in a week, your neighborhood needs some work. Mine does. Lots of Memphis does. Lots of everywhere does.

How many roads can you think of that don't have trees on them?

I can think of lots. One of the biggest roads in Memphis--Union Avenue--apparently used to have loads of trees on it. Then they cut them all down and replaced them with Chik-Fil-A and a Schnucks and a dozen Walgreens and MacDonalds and Wendy's and all that crap. Now, on one level right now, I'm not arguing against these chains. I'm just enraged by the fact I can't drive down lots of roads under the cover of trees. There's plenty of roads here that have trees. Just like in New Jersey, when I was a kid. Just like where my parents live now. Like lots of places.

More trees make for better experiences. For people coming and going to Memphis to and from the airport. For people who live near them and get to look at them. For people that walk under them in the heat. For people that drive under them and don't get a glare on the windshield.

Ya smell me?

You probably don't. Cause the trees help filter the air.

Plant the damn trees. You've already got my tax money. Quit spending it on bombs. Give it to Ritchie Smith and everyone else who wants to plant trees. It'll make everything nicer. I promise.

I'm Having a Thought

If, and this is a large if, the Eagles win the Super Bowl, I don't want to hear a damn thing about this being about Michael Vick. People are already talking about how Vick is some kind of total change of everything. Which he is. But he's not a trick that will somehow be the only reason it happened. First of all, we all know that he's going to be some kind of part of some kind of post-Wildcat offense. Yes, we're post-Wildcat. But, back to the point, Vick is neither good enough on his own nor so particularly unique as to single-handedly bring a title to this--or any--team.

I am sick and tired of all of this spectacularization of single players. This is a TEAM SPORT. None of these players can do it alone. Peyton. Tom. Kurt. Big Ben. Eli. And they all have rings. Think about all the rest of the people on those teams. So let's just shut up about Vick altogether. And Favre too. I don't want to have to talk about either of those two until the postseason.