Required Reading

For those of you interested in morality, celebrity, or sports...here's a gem.

Selena Roberts is essential reading for those of us who want to worry about things beyond the lines...

And, SI, before you sue the bejesus out of me, be aware of the citation below. In my line of work, it's called research and membership in a scholarly community.

Selena Roberts. "Coming Clean: It's Complicated." Sports Illustrated. Volume 112, No. 3 (January 25, 2010): 68.

http://157.166.224.105/vault/article/magazine/MAG1165035/index.htm

INT. ROOM WITH A FIREPLACE—EVENING

Two men sit in cushioned chairs facing each other under soft lighting. MCGWIRE is a former ballplayer with a graying goatee and a dress shirt open at the collar. He looks smaller than in his playing days, like a grape gone straight to raisin. COSTAS is an ageless TV journalist wearing a serious tie. He has notes in hand but rarely looks at them. He knows this drill.

COSTAS (somewhat incredulous)

What you're sitting here telling me is that you could have done essentially what you did without ever touching performance-enhancing drugs.

MCGWIRE (voice shaking, bites lip)

That's why it's the most regrettable thing I've ever done in my life.

It was good theater, wasn't it? For 48 minutes on Jan. 11, Mark McGwire deluded himself in front of Bob Costas on the MLB Network, the climax to a one-day steroid confessional that began with a statement to the Associated Press and interviews with select major media outlets. Touch 'em all. Call it the Redemption Rollout scene in another baseball chick flick filled with tears, produced to cleanse McGwire's image just in time for his reentry into baseball as the Cardinals' hitting coach.

The director of this p.r. strategy: a sports communications firm run by Ari Fleischer, the spokesman during the early years of W's White House—an administration not well-versed in apologies. But Fleischer didn't require an education in contrition to guide McGwire; he merely had to stage a public display that would go straight to YouTube. Whether a player's I'm sorry spills out evasively (Jason Giambi) or clumsily (Alex Rodriguez), with earnestness (Andy Pettitte) or cluelessness (Manny Ramirez), he need only emit emotion and never admit to cheating. He must calibrate his words like an artful banker: concede mistakes but never confess to perpetrating a fraud built on exotic numbers that brought riches at the expense of clean players and the bill-paying public. Plenty of regret, zero refunds.

And yet as angry as folks are with Wall Street, no one is looking to claw back the loot gained by deceptive athletes. "Sports fans are the most forgiving consumers of any industry," says David Carter, executive director at USC's Sports Business Institute. "If any other business treated its customers the way athletes treat their fans, in a lot of cases they would not have anyone lining up." Outrage barely lasts an inning. After McGwire endures the excoriation period—taking his beatdown from bloggers—he will no doubt become the beneficiary of America's short attention span as everyone Googles the next foolish act by a sports figure. (Gilbert Arenas brandishes pistols in locker room! Lane Kiffin runs out on Vols!)

And why wouldn't elite athletes, already awash in perks from red-carpet passes to punch cards for strippers, feel entitled to unconditional forgiveness once they express sorrow as the cameras roll? (Think it wouldn't have worked for Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds? Just imagine if they had been less defiant.) Wrap up the comeback with a title—think Kobe or A-Rod lifting a championship trophy—and a disgraced star is once again a darling.

But true atonement isn't intertwined with a victory parade. It's a private reckoning—with your conscience and with those you've harmed. What makes McGwire's coming out now most disturbing is how self-serving it is: His confession was a career move. The redheaded slugger had never told his son, Matt, whom he hoisted at the plate after he wrapped his biceps around homer number 62 in September 1998. Had he used Matt as a prop throughout the phony joyride? He had never told Roger Maris's children, who had to grieve the loss of their father's single-season home run record with grace and dignity from the front row that same season. How could McGwire have put them through that? He had never told St. Louis manager Tony La Russa, whose smarty-pants don't quite fit the same after he depicted McGwire to be as pure as spring water all these years. How willfully ignorant does the manager look now?

Of course, if every ball the Cards hit looks as if it's hitched to a comet next season, the collateral damage of McGwire's lies will be largely forgotten. He'll be Big Mac again in a happy Hollywood ending. "There is no sacredness to [sports] anymore," says Charles E. Yesalis, a retired Penn State professor who has written books on PEDs. "The games and the players are seen as another form of entertainment. Look, I like Spielberg movies, and I know there are special effects, but all I want is the movie. I don't want to see how the special effects are made during it. It would wreck it."

To see the reality is to ruin the escapism in sports. So offenders of all kinds are routinely welcomed back to the land of make believe. A St. Louis Dispatch headline last Friday read, MCGWIRE GETS BACK TO WORK; RELIEVED AND "READY TO MOVE ON." I get the need for closure, and certainly there's a place for forgiveness. But only if it is earned through personal accountability and not merely bestowed as a welcome-back present. Shouldn't atonement require more than a staged television event in which the actor takes a deep breath, dabs his eyes and says, "Bless me, Bob Costas, for I have sinned"?

10 from the 00s

Check out my Top Ten of the Decade list over at Art:21.

Also read Ben Street's Top Ten. You can't miss it. It's right above mine.

Review: Yinka Shonibare: Mother and Father Worked Hard So I Can Play @ St. Louis Art Museum

About two weeks ago, on the way to the Italics exhibition at Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art (closes Valentine's Day...review to come), we stopped by the St. Louis Art Museum to see the new Yinka Shonibare exhibition Mother and Father Worked Hard So I Can Play (closes March 14).

Installed in their lower level period rooms, we are faced with the same old, same old from Shonibare, who is my nominee for the art world's most heralded one note band. At best, what we are faced with is a slightly clever variation on a theme. And when I say slightly, I mean marginally.

Shonibare has been celebrated, quite rightfully, as one of the more topically engaging artists of the 1990s, emerging from the cauldron of Goldsmith's in London with his own unique tangle of revealing, haunting, and at times absurdist post-colonial identity politics.

In the 1990s, such a brew was magically successful, drawing our attention to so many of those considerations we hadn't considered before and still need to consider more.

This deep into the new millennium, however, Shonibare's go-to methods are beginning to have the flavor of six month old tortilla chips. Frankly, the only marked novelty about these new works is in their poses, which already change from work to work, and their installation in the period rooms of the St. Louis Art Museum, which I guess is supposed to (and actually does, but in a rather frustrating and wandering way) perpetuate a reenactment of the original colonial exploration in search of culturally or fiscally valuable goods (by which we used to mean natural resources and here mean art).

The problem is that we already know the rest. We have for nearly two decades.

We already know Shonibare is the England-born child of Nigerian parents, himself a sort of walking embodiment of our current purported post-colonial and post-national existence.

We already know the batiks are a kind of Post-Pattern and Decoration signifier of the deceptive and forced importation of European garmentry (and culture) into African culture, and the subsequent absorption of said garments to the point of an inauthentic African authenticity.

We already know that the decapitation (non- or anti-capitation, perhaps) of the mannequins resists relational humanity. It is, after all, hard to relate to someone with no head.

We already know that this is, perhaps, also a kind of mantian retribution, in the name of all colonized peoples.

The disturbing reality of all of this is that Shonibare's art has been riding this wave for such a long time, with so little visible modulation or nuancing of what cud we've already been chewing.

And, at the risk of placing blame where it does not belong, the writers of the texts affiliated with the exhibition seem to be rather thrilled with regurgitating the same four or five catch phrases that have followed Shonibare throughout his career and have served as a kind of enabler to our post-colonial self-satisfaction.

You see, if we have an artist that fits the bill, and we support that artist, somehow our historical complicity in colonialism, or in its aftermath, is somehow alleviated. The jury is still out on this one. At least for me. Primarily because I don't quite understand how such an moral-intellectual jump can be made, if it can be made at all.

Which brings me to a rather peripheral concern. Peripheral to the art, at least. I'm confused as to the hows and whys of Yinka Shonibare MBE. I, myself, have never been afforded such an honor as being made a Member of the Order of the British Empire. I'm generally more of an Order of the Phoenix guy to begin with. Anyway...

While, realistically, I must recognize that this is an honorific title, one given to the culturally significant and the Britishly excellent, it still seems rather tricky given all of the post-colonialism we keep rehashing in regards to the work. I have never been an advocate of merging the artist and the work, or expecting that one is causal to the other by necessity. But, since we keep dredging up the spectres of colonialism--and I'll eat my hat if the work doesn't make that its primary concern--is there not a kind of historically problematic recolonialization happening here? Yes, Shonibare is a British citizen--born, raised, and educated--so the MBE is certainly appropriate and, more certainly, deserved for his contributions to British (and global) art.

But, in our post-colonial post-national world of millenial identity politricks, does this suffix not perpetuate the importance of recognition by a once dominant colonial hegemon, within the shadows of what is left of that same hegemon, which, of course, still is a hegemon, only of a different variety? Am I being fussy? Am I, instead, supposed to comfort myself with some kind of intellectual gymnastics wherein this is actually a kind of reappropriation of nomenclature, a subversion of the once uniformly British membership of the Order of the British Empire?

Order of the British Empire? (Natural) Order of the British Empire?

It all sits very oddly with me, to say nothing of the fact that I'm still rather bored by what looks like an artist piping us all out of Hamelin with the same batik-printed, headless tune.

Mother and Father Worked Hard So I Can Play.

Maybe we shouldn't concern ourselves with play. Or let Mother and Father's sacrifice be in its service.

Back to work.

I miss the photographs. But I take comfort in knowing that the mannequins are sharing time with more of the flat stuff these days.

The 2010 LeRoys

Attention everybody!

Since this year is my Dad's 70th birthday, I'm inaugurating a new tradition.

Don't worry. You haven't missed his birthday yet. You can still get him something.

I hereby announce The 2010 LeRoys.

Now, just because it's my Dad's birthday and he's got an award named after him doesn't mean he wants to be bothered. Sometimes quiet is what he's going for, so don't bug him unnecessarily. If he wants to talk, you'll know.

First things first, the rules...

The LeRoys are awarded when there are sufficient deservees.

The LeRoys may be awarded in any category.

The LeRoys at the present do not award material objects.

If you are the namesake of a LeRoy and do not wish to be so, please let The Management know and amends will be made.

The above does not apply to my Dad.

All speeches must be left in writing as a comment to this post. Please consider that children may be reading.

If you do not like sports, keep reading. There are non-sports categories.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go...

The 2010 LeRoys...

Sports

Stupidest NFL Trade You Never Heard About: Chris Carr (from TEN to BAL)

Least Stupid NFL Trade You Did Hear About: Albert Haynesworth (from TEN to WAS)

Best Trade of the Year for Me: Zach Randolph (from LAC to MEM)

The I Told You So: Tony Romo and Mark Sanchez

Rookie of the Year: The Sanchize, Brian Cushing, Beanie Wells

Coach of the Year: Rex Ryan’s mouth

Offensive MVP: CJ2K

Defensive MVP: Darelle Revis tie with Charles Woodson

Excellence in Journalism: Rich Eisen and the staff of NFL Total Access

Miserability in Journalism: Tony Dungy and the NBC Saturday AFC Wild Card team (Hammond, Gibbs, Theismann)

Best Maintenance of an Immaculate Legacy: Cris Collinsworth

Book of the Year: Chad Ochocinco’s autobiography

Excellence in Fandom: Andre Nistico’s collection of Jets jerseys

Most Overreactive Fan Base: Memphis Tigers tie with Philadelphia Eagles

Most Sensible Ownership Decision: Da Bears, for keeping Lovie Smith

Facebooking

Best Photo: Evan Stark’s thumb drawing tie with Isabelle Lachat’s Medievalism

The Julie Henderson Award for Hilarious Posting: John Dowgin

Best Entertainment Posting: Jim Alan Cook

The Making Kids Seem Amusing Award: Julie Henderson tie with Nikki Green

The Making Us More Socially Aware Award: Rebeccah Sanders

International Hilarity: Ilaria Simeoni

Mishaelaneous

Best Album You May Have Forgotten About: The Singles Soundtrack

Best Movie Seen on Netflix: Coraline tie with Berlin: Symphony of a City

Best Movie Seen in the Theatre: GI Joe

Most Underwhelming Movie Seen on Netflix or in the Theatre: Inglorious Basterds

Opinion You Must Hear: Maureen Dowd

Best Ice Cream (awarded in perpetuity): Blue Bell Creamery

Best Band Hardly Anyone Likes: The Freecreditreport.com band

Best Airport Book: Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Conviction (written by David Michaels)

Paradigm Shift

OK, this will gross some of you out. Vegetarians beware. Vegans don't even bother. Raw fooders, this won't even be in your lexicon.

I went to Hot Doug's in Chicago (corner of S. California and W. Roscoe) this past week.

It changed my life.

I used to think tubed meat was suspect at best. Always a gamble, rarely gourmet.

Holy Sweet Relish was I wrong.

We had a Chicago style dog which, for the uninitiated, involves a beef dog on a sesame seed bun with sliced tomatoes, diced onions, electric green relish, mustard, a sliver of pickle. It's the greatest indigenous twist on a national staple I can think of.

Then, we had two others. Get ready...

A venison and blueberry dog with blackberry sauce and goat cheese and...drum roll please...a duck and black truffle dog with foie gras.

Magic.

Frankly, I've only had this kind of transformative experience twice before in my life.

The first was Pizza al Volo in Venice. The second was Cozy Corner BBQ in Memphis.

I cannot stress enough how unbelievably superior each of these three eateries are.

I'm going to publish a book called "Three Things to Eat Before You Die."

Cancel that, I just told you. Go forth and engorge.

I Hereby Volunteer for Democracy

Let it be known.

I am ready to take off my clothes for freedom.

All this hoopla about strip searching escapes me.

I'm not joking or making light of things. I'm being totally serious. I think this is a mostly reasonable safety measure, and one that might actually make life a little bit better. Maybe even a little bit safer.

Seriously. I don't see how this will impact my life in any particularly distasteful way.

For the following reasons:

1. Other people have already seen me naked. My parents saw me naked when I was born. The doctor did, too. And I don't even know his name. Or her. And I'm certain that nobody took me out to dinner and a movie before that moment of other people seeing me naked. I once mooned the entire state of Montana. In fact, I was housesitting once and the cat saw me naked. So I'm not afeared of being seen naked by people trying to save my life.

2. I don't have any body parts that people haven't already seen elsewhere. You're already on the internet. Most of you have seen a painting of a naked person. If you haven't, try it. You might learn something about art. Or anatomy.

3. I never rush through airports. I get there a full hour and a half early. That way I can go to the Hudson News, the loo (at least twice), eat at least one full meal, play a few games on my PSP, and needlessly walk past all the gates to fantasize about where else I might want to go. In fact, I recommend this to everyone. Especially you, the idiot who is in the line freaking out about being late. You wouldn't be freaking out if you got there on time. A few extra minutes in the line ain't gonna kill you.

4. It's important to air things out every once in a while. Consider the following. The house. The bedsheets. Your feet. The litter box. Art studios. The Bubonic plague. Frankly, I think a few extra minutes of ventilation at the airport might make things more pleasurable once I get inside of that big metal tube.

5. Airport screening is already too impersonal and adversarial. Nothing will familiarize us with the TSA people who are trying to protect us than a little bit of the ol' whatcha looking at.

So, Mr. Rove, Mr. Beck, and all those other presumably conservative, heterosexual, morally superior white males...

I'm ready to take off my clothes for you if it makes you feel safer.

And God Bless America.

Trifectas, Part 2

So, I'm going to make a public case out of this, mainly because I have a forum, and I know that at least 12 of you are reading, plus my parents, which makes 14.

I'm trying to do that Joel Osteen routine of envisioning my ideas into being. I think it might be worth a try. Worst thing that could happen is that nothing happens.

See, I'm 2 for 2 on my New Year's resolutions.

2008 was "Streamline the BS."

2009 was "Shake off the haters."

2010 is "Positivation."

For all of you who don't speak New Jersey, Positivation is Positivity + Activation.

Here's hoping good things once again come in threes.

Oh, and by the way, I'm on the Facebook now. Search "adrianduranblog" and become a fan.

There'll be a BBQ. Don't forget the BBQ.

Happy New Year to you all. Bonne annee mon amis.

Point of Order

Dear American Men,

I am one of you.

I understand how things are.

However, I would like to publicly shame certain members of this shared demographic.

Given that we are all members of what I would still like to consider civilization...

Flushing toilets after use is not optional.

In the course of a single afternoon, I happened upon two public toilets in which the previous user left a less than welcome present.

This is unacceptable.

Please flush.

Letting it mellow, even with the most eco-friendly intent, is not acceptable in public.

Thank you.

With regards,

Adrian

PS: This is a good habit in private as well.

PPS: The ladies will thank you for this as well.

Flippin' Irish

So, it's the first week in January and I keep getting voicemails from friends, grad school roommates and all sorts of other jokers who like to remind me that Notre Dame didn't go to a bowl game this year.

This serves me right, because last year I did the same to a University of Michigan graduate friend of mine, turnabout being fair play and all.

But I'm a little more than a little annoyed by this. And, as an alumni of our dear university of our dear lady of the lake, I believe it is my God-given right to comment on this God-forsaken situation, especially because I have been watching such great games as the Idaho victory in the Humanitarian Bowl and the Arkansas victory in the Liberty Bowl. And because I am quite sure that Notre Dame, even in its most grotesque iteration might add some dignity and gravity to a landscape of bowls that includes such corporate flatulence as the Papajohns.com Bowl and the Meineke Car Care Bowl.

I mean, c'mon man. Let's think about this for a second. And let's quote ND Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick...

"The unique circumstances surrounding our program at the current time prevent us from making the commitment required to compete in a bowl game..."

"If the landscape had been different, we would have been thrilled to take part, and we certainly look forward to being part of the bowl system in the years to come..."

Jack, with all due respect, this stinks worse than the Eagles' tackling did this afternoon. And I mean stinky like baby diapers.

I'd like to put this in some perspective.

1. Some of these players were actively denied the opportunity to play in their last game ever because ND refused this bid. Last game ever. Ever. Final. Finito. End of their football career, which has been one of the primary themes of their lives since early childhood.

2. Some of these players may have been able to shine in front of NFL (and, gasp, UFL) scouts.

3. Some of these players may have made the play that might have helped their draft stock rise just a little bit higher. Or the play that would have stuck in their memories for the rest of their lives.

Yes, I'm a sentimentalist about college football. I believe it is a noble endeavor that promotes many of the ideals that I (and we) hold dear, that offers opportunities otherwise unavailable, that grows community and culture, and offers us all an escape from whatever mundane worries we have to endure for the other 21 hours of whichever day the game is played.

And I'm a fan that loves the drama, the hooting and hollering, the adrenaline, the epic thrill of victory and agony of defeat.

And I got the short end of it this year. We all did.

Even if the Irish went to the Scott Tissue.com Merde Bowl, we would've had the opportunity. The chance.

And that's what this is about. The elusive possibility of greatness and immortality. The opportunity. The chance.

And Notre Dame, the one place that carries its history, and the whole history of college football with it onto the field with every snap, blew it.

Worse than Michigan, USC, Navy, Pittsburgh, Connecticut, and Stanford combined.

So much for waking up the echoes.

Thank God for next year.

A Blooming Good Charity

Happy Kwaanza everyone.

Happy Boxing Day Commonwealthers.

Happy St. Stephen's Day Heads.

I just read about something yesterday that I feel compelled to unvertise to everyone.

Jeremy Bloom, Olympic skier, ex-Philadelphia Eagle, ex-Pittsburgh Steeler, ex-Abercrombie model, has a charity that he started in 2008. I know about this only because of the great Point After column Selena Roberts wrote in this week's Sports Illustrated.

It's called Jeremy Bloom's Wish of a Lifetime.

The purpose of this charity is to fulfill the dreams of low-income seniors, sort of like Make-a-Wish for grandmas and grandpas.

I have to say, I think this one is particularly special. One of the episodes that Roberts cites is a woman named Nancy Tarpein, who Bloom helped travel to see her daughter, who had been diagnosed with cancer. They hadn't seen each other in five years.

This is exactly the kind of thing that this holiday season is supposed to be about. When I look at my bills and statements next cycle, I'm going to kick myself in the ass for not making Bloom's charity one of my impulse spends.

Spread the word.

A Bit O' Christmas Cheer

Well, it looks like I've got a little time on my hands while the laundry is a-drying, so I thought I'd subject you all to some poemetry that I did a few years ago at the P&H Center for the Arts. This is what happens when a poet asks an art historian if they write poetry. Ole!

By the way, if anyone wants to take up a collection and buy me a pair of the pants that guy is wearing, I promise to wear them in every class I teach every December.

A Christmas Poem, cause it’s the season
How come Rudolph and the reindeers never unionized?
I was telling a friend of mine about this.
Saying it would be a good idea for something.
The unionizing of the reindeer that is.
But it makes you wonder about what would justify such a thing.
It doesn’t seem to me like those other 364 nights are super productive.

Back to the reindeers
So, I was saying.
That it doesn’t seem like those 9 have any reason for gripes.
I’m sure that National Geographic is paying them for all that reindeer documentary footage.
And Burl Ives is probably giving them kickbacks.
But it makes you wonder, or at least it makes me wonder, if they get anything out of the whole arrangement.
It’s got to be longer than a 8 hour workday.
And I’ve seen the specials. The fat man has a whip.
Maybe a union isn’t so bad.

Another Poem About Jesus
Ever wonder what Jesus used to get for Hannukah?
If I was Jesus, not saying I could fill those shoes,
Or sandals or whatever it was.
But if I was Jesus,
I think I might’ve had a minor dilemma with this one day holiday thing.
We should stick with eight days of presents.
In honor of Jesus’s heritage, naturally.
It just doesn’t seem fair to the kids.

Spreading the Cheer

Jeff Fisher sent this to me today. I thought that was sweet of him.

Here's hoping Philip Rivers doesn't play up to his talent level.

Something Else I Do Not Get

So, the semester's over, the parties have been gone to, and I'm finally back to business as unusual. Sorry for the absences. I've been writing some Top 10 lists (of the year, of the decade) for Art:21, which should be appearing over there before too long. However, I ran into a student at an opening this weekend, and she told me that she'd been reading my football posts, so I feel a certain vindication nonetheless.

And, while I'm at it, can someone give a prize to Kelly Shindler, who seems to run the Art:21 blog single-handedly while working on her Ph.D. full-time? This is a Deion Sanders, Bo Jackson-style dual excellence, and she deserves props.

Anyhoo, I've been spending today catching up on things that I've been supposed to be getting around to, which includes reading hours and hours of online newspapers. And, one in particular has my underoos in a twist.

Dave Caldwell has an article in today's Sports section that I just don't get. This grumpasaurus is basically intimating that, since Dale Earnhardt's death, auto racing has gone to hell in a handbasket.

Let me list the supposed "developments" that "Earnhardt might have bristled at." Now, Caldwell doesn't outright say that these are bad things, but the tone ain't exactly gumdrops and lords-a-leapin' either.

-An expansion in the popularity of NASCAR.

-Head and neck restraints.

-Escape hatches in the roof of each car.

-Slightly slower but much safer cars.

-Younger drivers acting as celebrity spokespeople, thus increasing their own and the sport's revenue streams.

Then, he goes on to complain about Jimmie Johnson (above, with his unprecedented four straight championship trophies) and Danica Patrick, as part of a certain kind of well-behaved, capitalismogenic pitch people phenomemon that stands as evidence that the sport is less about racing and more about product placement, certainly less cooler than when patrolled by The Intimidator.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Listen, I have one thing to say to you all who think his is a reasonable complaint.

NFL Concussions.

This is the perfect example of a sport acting swiftly and responsibly to protect the safety of its participants. Does anyone even remember that they outlawed the wedge? I've forgotten.

Caldwell's crankalation is rather dismissive about the new security measures taken on by NASCAR, and his final statement that "No. 3 decals proliferate on cars in Nascar parking lots, but racecars do less racing these days" does nothing but place him in that pantheon of oblivion previously reserved for Wall Street executives, the 43rd President, Martha Stewart's personal warmth, and Dennis Rodman's stylist.

I'm willing to sacrifice a few miles per hour to prevent any injury or loss of life. Why Caldwell seems to prefer speed over safety bewilders me.

And, in case you don't think I know the stakes, allow me embarrass myself for a moment...

(The management waiting to ride in a NASCAR car at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.)

I'm on the Twitter

Apparently, I'm Twittering now. I'm called @adrianduranblog. Follow it and get invited to the BBQ.

Light it Up

Ok, just in case you've all lost track of what season it is, Hanukkah's on the way. Now, my calendar says that it's Saturday when the Festival of Lights begins. But, of course, this is a Pizza Hut calendar, so it probably means Friday night, which would make more sense, especially if your lost tribe is a high school football team. All confusion aside, check with your local Maccabean Revolutionary, but don't forget. And, all you Christmas lovers out there, let's use Hanukkah as a reminder that these things are about family and tradition and good will. The presents are the bonus, not the focus.

But, until then, we're stumbling into the excitingest part of the season, the Wild Card race. I'm about to wee with excitement because of a guy named Vince and what the Giants might do to the Cowpies today, which would make life better for my beloved Iggles. Anyway, cause I know you've been waiting.

We all knew that the Jets were going to beat the Bills. Or, at least I did. But, boy was that not what I was expecting. Ryan Fitzpatrick really fascinates me, mainly because I like Ivy Leaguers in the NFL. But also because he seems to be making TO happy, which means that they should get married and solve a load of problems.

The Eagles are going to murder Atlanta. I know Jackson's out, but I've heard tell of others named Maclin, Celek, McCoy, and an enemy named Ryan, who is out this week. This whole Michael Vick back to Atlanta is infuriating. Shut up. Play McNabb. Vick isn't doing anything worthwhile. This is about winning games and getting into the playoff, hopefully atop the NFC East. I could give a damn that Michael Vick used to play in Atlanta. Win the game, deal with the hype after the clock says 00:00. Eagles by 10.

The Bucs could sneak up on the Panthers here. Maybe Ronde Barber shows us why he's still worth watching. Maybe Josh Freeman's been getting smarter and better. Dunno, but I'm voting yes, especially with Jake DelInterception and DeAngelo Baby! out for the day. This is where I make a reckless prediction, but I'm going Bucs, by 6.

I don't know why I'm voting for the Bears here. I'm going with the weather, which means that I'm now checking the weather reports when I make these predictions, which means I'm in the depths of nerddom more than I was last week. And I love it. It's like realizing you can read conservation reports as well as patronage documents. Mmm, nerddom. Oh, and the Rams are currently God forsaken. Poor Rams. And they're a dome team, so they're screwed out in the Chicago weather. Bears by 14, but Jackson will run like an antelope out of control.

Detroit will lose to Cincy, though Cincy is looking a bit less stout than they did at earlier points. But, c'mon. They swept the AFC North? That's unbelievable. Really unbelievable. Congratulations to Cincinnati for proving us all wrong, for winning games, and for reminding us that Tigers are grrr-eat. By 21. Let's get Esteban a few touchdowns today.

In the most improbable moment of the week, I'm going to say that Vince leads a team to victory over Peyton. I don't know why or how it'll happen, but I think it will. We've got some receivers on the rise, and more than a few of them (Lavelle Hawkins, holla!) to compliment some nice TE work (I actually forgot about Jared Cook for a minute before last week) and what's his face who might just turn into Eric Dickerson. Hoochawackadingdong, this team might be scary soon. And, you know, Gonzalez is still out, that defense is a bit beat up, and Peyton Manning is actually listed as having a butt muscle dilemma. Finally, something is finally a pain in his ass. Let's hope the Titans defense makes it a twofer. Titans, by a hair, by the grace of God, by 3, which will bring them a Wild Card berth. Or so I hope.

Houston'll beat Jacksonville, don't ask me why I know this, other than that I live in AFC South territory, so I have a sense. I just think the Schaub-Johnson-Jacoby Jones Axis of Aerialism will trump the Jags more ground-screen-check down sort of thing. By 7, in a great game.

Denver vs. Kansas City? I couldn't possibly care less. Neither of these teams is consequential for me, unless Denver gets in the way of the Titans, or somehow is their opponent in a Wild Card tiebreaker or somethingish. The best news I've heard about Denver this week is that Mike Shanahan may be coaching again next year and that Kyle Orton is probably going to play. Phooey on you Jay Cutler. Get a winning record and then we can talk. Broncos by 7.

The Steelers will beat the Raiders, though it won't be amazing, and it won't be worth watching. I sure hope Palumalu will recover well. He's too beautiful to watch for us to live without. If his career goes belly-up due to injuries, it'll be tragedy on the order of Felix Gonzalez-Torres. But the Steelers will win by 10, and we'll worry about everyone's careers later. Ben, throw it away. Slide feet first. Protect your health.

New Orleans is going to kill Washington. That's all there is to it. If not, I will be shocked and awed. And happy for Jason Campbell, who I still think is getting the short end of the stick unjustifiably. But, poor Campbell won't win today. I just hope this all doesn't cost him his career, which needs to be recalibrated elsewhere to be judged appropriately. Saints by 28. Maybe more. I mean, did you see what they did to the Pats? Mon dieu.

The Chargers will be able to sleepwalk through this one. Let's hope that they don't sit Rivers just for the hell of it, because I need Vincent Jackson to receive a number of touchdown passes. My fantasy team stinks, mainly because of the other Chargers receivers, who are getting Jackson's touches. Let's turn it around. And someone call Bernie Kosar. The Browns might need him today. Bolts by 21.

What is the big issue with Minnesota against Arizona? I know Kurt Warner is a future Hall of Famer, with a silly sick corps of receivers, but that won't matter. The Vikings will beat them. Probably badly. Let's say by 14 in what will be a clinic on why American QBs are the real players of The Beautiful Game. Kids, eyes on the QBs. Two all time greats are going to be dueling today. Could be poetry, in a Homeric manner.

This is the only time in my life that I will hope for a Giants victory. See, if they beat those idiots, and the Eagles win, the NFC East begins to look promising. Let's just pray that December present will treat Romo like Decembers past. And that the weather in NYC turns for the ugly. I'm going with the Mara family by 7. If anyone sees Roy Williams do something interesting, will you please email me?

49ers against the Seahawks? What the hell is wrong with the NFC West? I mean, maybe we should just let the NFC West and the AFC West have their own league. The winner could play the winner of the UFL for entry into the NFL, like they do in Serie A and B in Italy. Just a thought. But the 9ers will win, by about 10. What I care about is Julius Jones coming back and getting another Domer some TV time.

New England vs. Miami. God do I not want to be Miami tonight. The Pats are going to be pissed. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but those being force fed will be the Fins, who will need to have their hospital bills paid for by the Saints when the Patriots decide to break their spirits and necks. Coach, don't beat up on the Dolphins just because Drew Brees looked like Tom Brady last week. Save it for the playoffs. Get a good win, but a smart one, without any Old Testament vengeance, which you'll need to save for the playoffs. Pats by 17, though, cause they're still going to be pissed.

Monday night is going to be so sad. The Ravens will probably lose, which is depressing, especially because Joe Flacco has been underachieving. My faith is not shaken, but I don't know how the hell the Titans and Ravens both are going to get Wild Card berths. That'll be my Christmas present, ok? But, the Packers will win by 10, mainly because they're at Lambeau.

Ok, everyone, enjoy the game.

And, please do me a favor. I don't know what any of you think about religion or God or whatever semantics you use, but a childhood friend of mine just lost her father recently, so please send out whatever positive vibes you've got. Aim them towards New Jersey.

And have a great first few nights of Hanukkah.

It's 65 Degrees in Memphis

Can I get a WTHITWA from the congregation? 65 degrees the Saturday after Thanksgiving is bonkers. Totally bonkers. I guess it's true that Memphis doesn't care about football, because this is not football weather. I wonder if Tommy West had something to do with this. Hmm.

Anyway, everybody do me two favors. First, remember that that Blind Side Sandra Bullock feel good about yourself after you've eaten 45 helpings of turkey and just knocked down your neighbor for whatever the Tickle-Me-Elmo of the year is on Black Friday movie is out. I tell you this not because Sandra Bullock is an actress that I hope to see in another movie, but because it's a local Memphis football story, perhaps the first good one in a while. And because Michael Oher plays for the Ravens, which I will address below. And, second, read the book. Books are always better. And they make you smart. Books = good. Let's remember this before we stupid ourselves to extinction.

Hope you're all good and fattened up. We'll need those reserves for Monday, when the weather drops back into the 50s. Yowzas. By the way, I am thankful for the movie Bad Santa, which hit all the right spots and will be my Christmas present to the extended family this year.

Sing it with me, y'all...

Deck the bells with yuletide grumping.

When did Jesus lose to corporate greed?

Don't forget to give some presents.

To some other peeps who are in need.

Don we now our gay apparel.

Unless you are in Maine, where they've lost the plot.

And don't forget there's also Kwanzaa.

And 8 days of fun called Hannukah.

Before you accuse me of Grinching it up, be aware that last night began the beguine of my annual tradition of Christmas music before bedtime. Traditional French Carols last night. Tonight will either be Kenny Rogers (good), Engelbert Humperdink (better), or A Chipmunk Christmas (best).

But, back to more important matters...

I was right about Green Bay (glad to see Stafford's ok after last week), right about Dallas (hang on, I need to go dry heave again), and wrong about the NY Football Giants (which makes me so happy because now the NFC East isn't so dangerous for the Eagles any more).

La la la la.

ATL is going to beat the Bucs, though I wonder by how much. The Bucs are looking like a team with a future, though that future may be next decade. Either way, they won't win, but they'll impress. A Pyrrhic victory, indeed, and they'll lose by 10.

Miami, even without Ronnie Brown, will beat the Bills, who are shambolic to the Nth degree. I wonder if we'll ever get to the Oth degree. Fins by 14, but I want the TOth touchdown of the season.

The Bengals are going to murder the Browns in what will hopefully be the final game before Mangini is released as head coach. I don't know why I have it out for Eric Mangini, but I associate it with his being called a Mangenius. I mean, c'mon. Genius? Who are we kidding? Lombardi was a genius. Halas was a genius. Billy B is a genius. Mangini is a fraud who is in the process of taking down a whole organization. I take offense. Cats by 21.

Sorry, Houston, this isn't your year either. But I'm impressed with how well you're doing. Honestly, I mean that. I love the AFC South. But Indy has things on cruise control. By the way, where the hell is Marvin Harrison? Hasn't anyone signed him yet? I can think of a half-dozen teams who would be instantly better, age be damned. Colts by 17.

NFC North, how dull you've become. Anyone remember when I thought the Packers were going to win the division? Umm, that was me being wrong. The Vikings are so good that they're electing to let Tavaris Jackson play? I think we have our first Christmas miracle. Purple People Eat their way to a 14 point victory. Maybe Jay Cutler could get traded to the Browns. It'd be the best twofer of the year.

Panthers vs. Jets. I just cannot buy into the Jets anymore. I did at first, held out for a while, and now it's just gross. I feel bad for the Sanchize because I think it's in him, and I think that team is pretty damn good when things go right. But, you know, rookie QB + rookie coach = growing pains. We're watching the Jets' voice crack these days. Maybe they'll have it together by next year's prom. Losers by 7 in what could be the ugliest game this side of Renee Zellwiger's acting. One word: DeAngelo baby! Charlotteers win by 10, unless DelHomme keeps passing to the other team.

Redskins vs. Eagles. Listen. If the Eagles don't win this, they will not get to the playoffs. That is the deal. That is the reality. They damn well better win because they've already lost to the Raiders and I'm getting ready to start burning things in effigy. And will someone tell Brian Westbrook to retire before he kills himself. I love you Brian Westbrook, but not enough to watch you kill yourself on the field. Mr. Lurie, pay him to mentor Shady. Pay him a lot because we won't get anywhere near a Lombardi if McCoy doesn't live up to his potential. Westbrook will do more for the team as a mentor than a hospital patient. Let's say that McNabb lights up another 400 yarder and wins by 17.

Seattle against St. Louis. God almighty, what a drag. I wonder which QB the Rams will draft next year. I wonder if it'll matter. The best thing that's happened to the Seahawks is that Holmgren will probably coach in the AFC next year, which means that he won't be able to beat the bejesus out of them that frequently. Either way, the Seahawks will win by a bunch, 14 or more, because the Rams are horrific.

AZ at TN? Dude, I'm telling you, Vince is close to being in the running for a fully qualified NFL QB. I mean, for God's sake, if Marc Bulger, Jake DelHomme, the Sanchize, whoever is throwing in Buffalo and Cleveland these days, Jay Cutler, and JaMarcus Russell are still collecting a paycheck, Vince ought to get a flight to Hawaii just for playing better this year than last. This'll be a really close one, because the Titans' secondary is still sort of dicey, but they'll win by 3. I hope.

KC vs. SD. Really, this is so silly. Philip Rivers is looking like he should, that offense is freaky, and the Chiefs, even with an ex-Charger, still stink up the whole stadium worse than a ruptured sewer. The Chargers are going to kill them, by about 28 and 300 passing yards.

Jag-u-ars are going to beat the 9ers. Too bad, as well, because some idiot in the pundisphere will start talking about Mike Singletary's coaching. Misguided that is. His fault it is not. I just think the Jags are getting sort of hot these days and San Francisco is getting closer to a simmer. Jacksonville wins by 10 in what will be a really good game.

Ooooooooh, girl, did you see what happened to Ben Rothlisberger last week? And then did you see what they did to Charlie Batch? Maybe they can get Kordell Stewart back from his UFL correspondent job to throw a few. I am so sad to watch the demise of the Steelers, but I think the Ravens will get them this week. Speaking of, how can you not love the Ravens? I mean, really, what is wrong with you Raven haters? Flacco's from Delaware. Ray Rice is poetry in motion and played his ball at Rutgers. That's New Jersey, for all you SEC fans. That defense is still fun, even if they're playing a bit old and inconsistent. And Michael Oher is the feel good story of the year, the cinema, and this week's Sports Illustrated. Ol' Sandra B ought to write a big fat check to the Ravens for saving her career. They'll also go above .500 this week, but by a margin of about 6 points.

I wonder if this Monday Night Game is going to go over 100 total points. Brady vs. Brees? Back to the Big 10 kids, let's Midwest it up. I sent a kite to my Michigan guru to find out if these two ever went head-to-head and who won it. But this night belongs to Brees. I think. It's about time for that streak to come to a crashing halt, but I just can't bet against the Saints at home this late when they're playing like this.

Oh, by the way, I was 13-3 last week. You know what that is? Home field advantage? You know what else that is? The Titans' record before the Ravens knocked them out of the playoffs. Someone once said that the stats were indisputable. True, but so is the Win-Loss count. And they measure success by Win-Loss counts.

Adios friends. Hope you're all able to walk again. I had to take two naps to burn off Thanksgiving. Vaya con Flacco.

The Brattle Browl

Brady vs. Brees? That's Brrrrr-eat! And, by the way, who decided that football and cosplay mixed? Seamus is going to be mad about this one. Hmm.

Anyway, Michael did the math, and it looks like I'm up by 1, which means that this is actually the best game of the season so far. Anyway, because the tryptophan has worn off, here we go.

Yes, I know three of this week's games have already happened, but, you know, it's been a fairly busy holiday weekend, and I've got 90 minutes before I have to go to the airport, so here we go with picks from our Cajun Correspondent.

GB vs Det- what a game cleveland and detroit played last week. Wow. Wish i could have seen more than the heroic highlights. This contest though... especially without Stafford, its a no brainer. GB. Still dont think their a legit team, but They'll get this win. Only way Lions win is if they can take full advantage of GB losing Harris and Kampman. Thats gonna hurt them the the remaining 6 games without a doubt. Cheeseheads get it by 10

Oak vs Dal- Another game I could really care less about. I may actually not give a damn normally, but since the Saints play the boys in 3 weeks... i'm gonna be paying attention and sticking some needles in my Romo voodoo doll. I can mail you one if you'd like btw. Dallas wins by 14 in their up week.

NYG vs Den- I totally thought the Giants had packed their bags for the offseason, but since the proved me wrong and beat the dirty birds last week... i'll buy them for this week. They still can't play defense but its really hard to say much positive about Denver lately. Supposedly they had a "players meeting" and i guess they get everything magically fixed with that... i'm not buying it. Giants roll one up on the Broncos by 10.

TB vs ATL- I feel really bad for Tampa... sorta. I mean their coach fires the O coordinator before the season starts because of a lackluster offense in preseason. Now that the D has been stinking it up all season and they get lit up by the Saints, he gives the Axe to the D coordinator. Yeah, Raheem. It’s BOTH the O coordinator and the D coordinator that are your problem....not you at all. Whatevs. Atlanta, not much good to say about them either. Both division rivals...I hate Atlanta more but they will get the win...if they lose today and the Saints win Monday, Saints lock up the division. Atlanta by 12

Mia vs Buf- I was surprised there was still a pulse in that corpse called Buffalo last week. Whoda thunk it. They might put up a fight against Miami, but I don't think it’s going to be enough to win. Miami takes it by a touchdown.

Forgot the car vs NYJ- Car by 7. Snooozer

Was vs Phi- yea so i watched the philly game last week and they really didn’t impress me even with the win. I'd be nervous if I was Philly... for the rest of the season. They rely too much on big plays from Jackson. They look sloppy with mistakes as well. However... as long as the other team has more mistakes, then they will win. Philly by 7. [editor’s note: Personal Foul on the Saints for speaking ill of the Eagles]

******upset of the week*********

Sea vs Stl- It’s a stretch to pick any team winning over Seattle as an upset, but it is Kyle Boller playing against them... and any time you have him playing, the deck is stacked against you. So, this is funny, yes, strap on the lollerskates, St Louis will get another win here against the lowly Ocean birds by 7.

Cle vs Cin- So, are the Bengals back to their jinxed ways again? Last week looked bad. Cleveland looked GOOD... on offense, AND STILL LOST hahahah. I really don’t expect Cleveland to look that good against a team of some quality. Cincy, eat your Wheaties today and get your gimme game of the week. Cincy by 14.

Ind vs Hou- Last time the two played I had pegged Houston to be the upset victor. However, Houston pulled a Houston and choked on a come from behind tie with a wide left kick from their kicker, Brown. Last week, Houston has the chance to keep up in the race for a wild card spot and choke wide left again. Houston, you had your chance. Start planning for next year. Indy gets this by 10, even with Peyton's sore bum bum.

KC vs SD- Another surprise win last week. Kansas. Wow. Was there something to it? Maybe. It won’t show this week though. San Diego is clicking and they found their mojo in their run game too. San Diego Chargers zap the Chiefs by 13.

Jac vs SF- This one is a toss up. I could care less about either team. I've been picking the pantless coaches for most of the season, and they've really been letting me down most of the time. Maybe, they are not who I thought they were. Still, they are at home. Still Jones-Drew is turning out TD's like a pro bowler. So... in this case, I will lose all football knowledge and defer this decision to someone who knows nothing about it... I asked my wife and she thinks San Francisco will win because Jacksonville has uglier uniforms. SF by 3.

Chi vs Min- I'd love for Chicago to win this one and hand Min a second loss, but I broke my magic wand when as sat my arse down on it last night watching reruns of family guy. Unless anyone else has a miracle maker they can yank out of their keister before kick off... Minnesota pillages the Bears by 14.

Ari vs Ten- Another tough game to predict. It’s at home, but Arizona has been playing lights out in away games. Should I defer this decision too? She thinks Kurt Warner looks too cute to lose. I don't know what that's all about, but who am I to argue? I'm going with Kurt's cuteness... Cardinals flog the Titans by 10. [editor’s note: op. cit. Eagles, replace with Titans]

Pit vs Bal- this had the potential to be a good game... until chunky soup got his clock cleaned last week... and then batch goes gimpy. Now its up to Dixon... WHO? yea. I didn’t think so either. Steelers get quothed by the Raves... by 10... nevermore

NE vs NO- game of the week. Looking at the stats... both teams are damn near even, except that the saints are better by a touchdown. The saints really want this one... I know NE wants it too... because they see the chance the Saints have at going undefeated the rest of the year. I had picked the Saints to go 15-1 on the season. This was the lone game i predicted the Saints to lose. HOWEVER... I think with the homefield advantage and it being a playoff like atmosphere already. Its hard to pick against the Saints. They have to control Wes Welker. I think he is the key to their offense. One stat I saw shows that the 3 losses the Patriots have came against undefeated teams (at the time). I also like Sean Payton’s play calling in big games, we usually destroy opponents when the bright lights are on. Pats take that 4th loss on Monday night against another undefeated. Saints give the Pats some penance to do... 3 hail marys, one our father and a loss by 7.